Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that I caved in and dialed the numbers that I tried to tell myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and I dialed them knowing that he would pick up and just a sure as I was that he would…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Who Does That?

What kind of parent sees it fit to make their child (adult or otherwise) look like a demon amongst family members for simply expressing their feelings, needs, wants, and desires? Who does that??  What kind of parent talks negatively about one child to the other?  Who does that?? What kind of parent gets angry because their child wants to live their own life and decides to attempt to explain the feelings they are having and their need for space? What kind of parent decides what type of help is considered acceptable based on their own needs vs. that of their child? What kind of parent holds grudges against their child for speaking their mind? What kind of parent makes their child responsible for their well-being when they are fully capable of taking care of themselves? What kind of parent uses guilt, obligation, and manipulation to prove a point to their child? I mean seriously…WHO DOES THAT??

Living a life where you feel guilty about being open about your feelings to your mother is no way of life at all.  The one person in the world that you should be able to go to and express anything to without judgement let alone anger, frustration, fear, etc

. The one person in the world who should understand where you might be coming from  is instead the one person who causes you the most heartache and pain. Go figure…It’s a wonder I have made it this far.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

“Parenting” (Photo credit: vanhookc)

Possibilities…

I re-connected with someone a couple of weeks ago, an old flame…small flame, not full on fire back then. It got me to thinking that for some reason or another this seems to always happen to me, the re-connecting part with someone from my past. I’m wondering if it’s a pattern in my life for whatever reason. I’m sure I am completely over analyzing the situation as I tend to do but either way, I can’t help but to wonder. I suppose that isn’t really the point here.
I can’t even really remember what ended things before, I think if I remember correctly I decided I wanted the “bad boy” instead…go figure. I do know that there were no hard feelings involved or neither if us caused the other discomfort. We were simply dating back then and things kinds fizzled out. A mid 20′s moment…
We are now both in our 30′s and I know that I am most definitely in a different place than I was back then and it appears that he may be also. Truth be told, I like him. However, I am already creating all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t date him. Self sabotage! He’s good-looking in his own little quirky kinda way. Absolutely, no “bad boy” qualities screaming at me to run for the hills (or in my usual case get closer knowing it will leave me with a broken heart). We have awesome conversation that just flows from here to there and all the little things in between. He genuinely seems interested in my thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to him (I get that cheesy little grin when I think about him).  He’s an all around nice guy. So what the hell is my problem?
I’ve been single for so long and the thought of someone actually being a serious option without me somehow knowing that it will ultimately end sooner than later scares the hell out of me. I mean this guy is seriously husband material. Isn’t that what every woman wants? No no here is sit, nit-picking on little things that I’m trying to find that give me reasons to not even attempt to get any closer. Mind you this is only after a couple of weeks. Sigh… I should at least give it like a month right?
It’s this inner turmoil that I have going on. Admitting to myself that I am scared is a good thing, it kinda opens my eyes a little and allows me to really see that I’ve governed a lot of my last few encounters with men out of fear and the result of that I somewhat created just within my own mind and actions. I want true love, I really do. I’m certainly not getting any younger and I do realize that I can’t keep shooting down all the actual opportunities I get to find true love because sooner or later I will end up bitter and alone.
I’m going to try with all my might to just kinda go with the flow here and allow things to develop in their own time without over thinking, especially with all the negative inner chatter. I’m going to make a pact with myself to really open myself up, discard the armor  and let’s see where this goes.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Tonight…

I DANCE!!

Daily Prompt: Erasure

Daily Prompt: Erasure

by michelle w. on March 12, 2013

You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

Trials and tribulations…Lord knows I have had them, am going through some as I write, and will continue to go through them for the rest of my life.

I am a piece of clay that is constantly being molded and remolded with every situation I go through in my life.  There are days that I wish I had a different life.  Days that I wish I didn’t have to struggle the way that I do. Days that I wish I could shut down and close the doors on everyone and every situation in my life.  Even with all of that, I sit here pondering this question and I think to myself, what would I erase?  Truth is nothing. I have always said that even though I have been through so much in my life, I think that I have turned out pretty damn alright.  I am human and I have my days just like everyone else but overall I truly am a phenomenal woman who has endured and triumphed situations in my life that I’m not exactly sure that others would have made it thus far.  The saying goes “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  I am still alive and breathing and although I can truly say I have had moments in my life that I did not think I could go on another day dealing with certain issues…I did. I survived and lived to tell the story. 

Even now I am going through some things in my life that I wish I wasn’t, but no matter what, I know that one day I will look back on these days and realize the strength that I was able to maintain and that is what will make all the difference in the world.  Life experiences build character, they make us who we are from the moment we are capable of making our own decisions. Choices that we make lead to outcomes and even the not so great choices ultimately teach us more about ourselves.

I could easily say I would erase self doubt, self defeating thoughts and behaviors,  etc. etc. Truthfully there are more times that one that I have felt this way so erasing one event wouldn’t change the fact that there were more events that held similar experiences to follow.  Something I have always remembered that someone once said to me is that “life events repeat themselves until they are learned.” The truth in that statement is remarkably true to many events in my life.  There are lessons to be learned in every phase of life and if by chance you didn’t get it the first time, second time, or even the third.  Rest assured that if it is something that you are meant to grasp, you will indeed cross paths with that lesson as many times as it takes to “get it”.

So with all that said, I say LIVE life, take it all in. The good, the bad, the ugly…own it, truly feel it, and at the finish line stand fast in the knowledge that you ROCKED THAT SHIT!!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Depression is quite shitty…

Depression is such a shitty experience to go through.

The waves of depression are so intense that it can leave you feeling so unbelievably hopeless.  Even when you try to look at the positive aspects of your life while riding the wave of depression, the intensity of it can be unbearable.  That sinking feeling that the walls are closing in on you and no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try those walls don’t seem to have any other agenda but to squish you so hard that you can’t breathe.

Faith and hope are tested to infinity and beyond.  Seeing your way out of a hopeless situation is nearly impossible.  Not knowing what to do next to ensure that you survive the crisis.  Feeling terribly alone not wanting to burden anyone else with your problems.

Frustrated…

Sad…

Hopeless…

Searching for that small amount of light to seep through the holes in the wall with the knowledge that this too shall pass…

Two New Things I Did Today…

Today I went to my very first therapy session and I went on an online dating site and actually posted a profile (or at least started).  Baby steps or huge strides? I dunno yet. Time will tell.  I’m pretty tired so I will just share the ”take action” right now, then elaborate later. Wish me luck!

The Four Agreements…

My yoga instructor shared this in class today. Ironically I’ve had this book by Don Miguel Ruiz on my bookshelf for years and haven’t read it. Now is as good a time as any.  I have truly been in life reflection mode this month…this new year of 2013.   
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

 

Powerful words to live by!

Five Days and Counting…

We have three days left with my sister’s visit and I feel something a brewing.  She (mom) tried to play the pretend game with me that all is well ( all of a sudden without my knowledge we are back on speaking terms) and since I haven’t responded in the way that she likes,   the heavy sighing and screaming for attention behavior  has returned.  Tick Tock…

Aside from all else, Christmas was great and my babies (not so babies) were happy!

I Have Decided…

My mother and I are still not talking. No surprise there! I will not be the one to attempt to make amends. So I have decided to get through Christmas and New Years and come January, I am going to ask her to work out making other living arrangements. I have to do this for my own sanity. She will ride this out for as long as she can and this I know for sure.
My sister flies in for Christmas. It will be interesting to see how my mother acts when she is here. That will be a story for another day! The entire dynamic of how she plays my sister against me would take an entire blog post for itself. She told my sister she has been interviewing for work. I wonder to myself when this has taken place because I haven’t seen her make a move to even attempt to look for a job in a very long time. This should be interesting to see.

All I need is to get through the next few weeks but the bottom line is…she has to go!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…