Choice…

The door is open…

You stand at the doorway.

Knocking…

Come in…

You remain still.

Come in…

No movement…

Another knock…

One step is all it takes.

The rest will follow.

No movement…

The only choice…

The only option…

I slowly close the door.

You walk away…

To Let My Light Shine…

Gosh it’s been awhile…a long while.  I’ve logged in and logged off again numerous times not knowing what to write about.  Not really knowing how to put my thought into words.  feeling vulnerable and open and afraid to express the thoughts going through my mind.  I could say I still feel that way now, right at this very moment, but I also feel the need to release.

 

I’ve been putting in so much work over the last several months.  Inner work…just when I feel like aha…I feel damn good, I feel like I’m making progress, I feel like I’m truly in the moment here, recognizing parts of myself that I haven’t seen before.  I’m still reminded that there is so much more work to do and I can’t necessarily say that I am discouraged, that wouldn’t be the right word, I would say that I just want to be “there” already.  Wherever “there” is.

 

I still feel like I am doing things to completely sabotage my own happiness.  Entering into situations that I know are no good for me and somehow I manage to convince myself that I have the power to make them different than what they really are.  It’s like I am challenging myself to dare myself to defeat myself. Does that make any sense at all?  I have become very aware in the moments that I am simply being and at times it can be overwhelming because I can also feel that the energy surrounding me is being felt by others.  I think I’ve always been afraid of that, loosing the bubble that protects me from others seeing my light.  That’s when I begin to also feel the negative energy from those around me in my immediate circle that aren’t really feeling this part of me, it hurts to feel that. It hurts to know that those people who claim to support me and love me are limited to supporting and loving me as long as I remain dim.  My circle is already pretty small so to feel like I’ve chosen people that I thought were for me that are really waiting in the winds to see my next downfall, really kinda sucks!

 

So the question I ask myself…is that what I’ve been doing all along?  Allowing myself to stay dimly lit for the sake of everyone else?

 

I’m gonna need to marinate on that one for a bit…

 

Till next time, just another day in the life of my thoughts…

 

My Mother is a Narcissist…

 

 

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I woke up today and I just laid in thought for quite some time.  My thoughts were racing back and forth but it all boiled down to feeling like I am living in this world of complete and utter silence. A world of not being heard, accepted, understood or  better yet misunderstood.  This was one of those mornings I wanted to stay tucked under my blanket with the shades drawn and be allowed to just wallow in my misery.  Then I thought to myself “I am not a victim” I am not defined by what she thinks of me or anyone else who may disagree with the choices I have made.  The only thing is that even though I made an attempt to not categorize myself into being a victim of circumstance, I still have this lingering feeling of being silenced yet again.  I cannot tell you how many times throughout my life I have felt this way and quite frankly I am tired of it.  I’ve been reading a book called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride, Ph. D and I must say this book has been very eye-opening to me.  I have to admit though, that I think I am still in denial about accepting that my mother is a narcissist.  It’s not easy to accept and I keep finding myself somehow in the back of my mind telling myself that what is happening is my fault in someway, if I only had done this or that differently or I should be thankful that I am able to help my mother in her time of need and not be so selfish with wanting my own space back.  I should be more sympathetic to her situation…blah blah blah.   But when I look at this list of traits of a narcissistic mother, it brings to light so many of the feelings that I had growing up as well as feelings I still have today.

  1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
  2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
  3. Does your mother act jealous of you?
  4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
  5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?”
  6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
  7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
  8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
  9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
  10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
  11. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
  12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
  13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
  14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
  15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
  16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
  17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
  18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
  19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
  20. Are you shamed often by your mother?
  21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
  22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
  23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
  24. Does your mother appear phony to you?
  25. Does your mother want to control your choices?
  26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
  27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
  28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
  29. Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
  30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
  31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
  32. Does your mother compete with you?
  33. Does your mother always have to have things her way?

Then I read things like this and realized it is spot on with what I am dealing with right now:

Lack of Effective Communication:
The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is through triangulation. This is where information is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Information is not direct. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don’t confront the individuals directly. Alas, causing the creation of passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust among family members. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.

It’s challenging for me to accept what I am learning to be true in regards to my mother, instead of falling back into the same patterns of what I have been used to my whole life.  Internalizing and finding blame within myself for the relationship, or lack there of when it comes to her has always been my way of dealing.

For those of you that have been following my blog and have seen previous posts that I have written in regards to my mother you will have a better sense of where I am coming from now.  It is going on 4 months since her and I have spoken to each other while living under the same roof because I dared speak my voice and express my needs.  Her way of attempting to communicate has been through other people within my family such as my sister and even my own daughter or she has begun to suddenly post little bits and pieces on social media, although I blocked my ability to see any of her posts.  This blog is my outlet even though I don’t post as much as I could (still learning that it is ok to express my feelings even through writing and not feel ashamed) it helps me to clear my mind when it gets overly cluttered with nonsense.  In addition I have a pretty awesome therapist!  It’s no lie that this is indeed a lifetime of work that I have ahead of me…

Today…

this-too-shall-pass11

 

Today I wish I had someone to talk to…

I woke up on the wrong side of the…couch and haven’t been able to shake it all day.  Could be the fact that I’ve been up since the butt crack of dawn.  Could be the fact that I have been agitated all week or more like shit has been building up on the inside all week.  That one feeling…hopelessness for my situation.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for about two months now and at times I feel like I’m making a breakthrough and my therapist has stated the same but on this particular day I feel like I haven’t made much progress at all.  I AM FRUSTRATED!!  There is only so much a person can take and I feel that I have depleted all the strength that I can give to living like this.  I’m hanging on the end of a rope about to lose my grip and go tumbling down into an abyss.

Dear God if you hear me…please I am begging you to remove this negative feeling within my soul and replace it with a sense of peace.  I am asking for a sign that you are still with me and that what I am going through will soon be over.  I am asking you to renew my faith and patience, even if just for today.

Any and all prayers are welcome!

This too shall pass…

A Word On Spitefulness…

Have you ever gone through a situation in your life that had such a negative impact that you wanted someone else to be able to experience it too? NOT for the purpose of them having to endure the negative experience, but simply for them to be able to better understand the what and why of how you chose to deal with the issue. The thing is…no one and I mean no one can ever fit inside your shoes and walk the same path as you. My life story and your life story are not and never will be one in the same. People may be able to relate to certain situations but each and everyone is unique in the way that they process their personal life experiences which is why we should try as hard as we can to not intentionally hurt those who surround us. It is inevitable that because we each process things differently that hurt feelings will occur but there is a difference in deliberately hurting someone vs. speaking your truth and having that hurt someone. Never apologize for speaking your truth as long as in your heart you know that it was never meant to intentionally hurt another. On the other hand, if you are a person who intentionally does spiteful things in order to hurt another person then shame on you and may God have mercy on your soul!

There truly is nothing more heart breaking than a person who finds some type of enjoyment at the expense of another human being.  Isn’t life hard enough?  This shit is quite twisted if you ask me and said person should seek professional help immediately!  I mean let’s be real here…I think there is a certain level of spitefulness in everyone, especially when triggered by hurt feelings but at some point on the in between there has to be a light bulb that goes off reminding us that two wrongs don’t make a right and when that happens then we make amends for our part in any wrongdoing.

The point I am trying to make here is that there are those people who will continually do things out of spite over and over again as if it is completely natural and completely justified.  What part of their brain isn’t functioning?  I’m over it and I’m over the emotional roller coaster involved with dealing with such people.  The hard part is when these types of people are your immediate family members but hear me when I say that no one has the right to treat you with the utmost disrespect in order for them to somehow feel better about themselves, not matter who they are.  Cute em loose and feel proud for doing so!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts….

ME…

Image

It’s easy to feel alone in all the hustle and bustle of every day life

Even when surrounded by others…

truth is, journey is individual

walking alone at times builds character and richness

time spent alone allows for in depth research

I’m beginning to realize that I truly am one of a kind

knowing and believing are two different things…

My belief is becoming grounded

I am becoming free…

free of the shackles I placed upon myself

free of the box I created to surround myself

free of the person who no longer serves me

my authentic me….

Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.