Life Purpose…

Twice today I stopped in the middle of doing something and asked “why am I here, what is my life purpose?”  This isn’t the first time this has happened and I’m sure it won’t be the last until I am in the place that I am doing my life’s work.  I’m in a state of reflection, wondering, searching, questioning and such.  I have been here before more than once.  It usually happens when I feel…stuck in a rut. Not necessarily depressed, just stuck and unfulfilled with that nagging feeling that there is something more. 

I was blessed with my job close to two years ago.  I know in my heart that this job was a blessing given to me and is a gateway to allow me the flexibility I need to figure something else out. Prior to this I was finishing up my graduation/attendance of something I’ve always wanted to do, culinary school.  I have always had a passion for cooking and the opportunity to attend culinary school was such an amazing experience.  The only thing is I don’t see how it really ties into my life purpose. I don’t see myself entering the culinary field in any other way than on my terms.  I know in my heart that working in someone else’s kitchen is not what is going to bring me any type of fulfillment and realistically will end up having me dislike one of the things that I am so passionate about.  Sooooo what then?

I keep waiting for that Aha moment to come to me.  I have always felt that in someway I am meant to be a teacher not like a math or English type of teacher but more of a life teacher.  I just don’t really know how or where that is suppose to fit into my future. I am so far from where I thought I would be by now in my life.  You know what I mean right?  When you used to imagine what your life would be like when you were younger?  I would have been married by now in a beautiful house with a white picket fence and a couple of kids.  Well, I have the kids and I love them to death and could never imagine my life without them, but the husband and house never quite made it into the equation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok with that…I suppose. I mean I know my life purpose was not and is not to be a house wife (no disrespect to those that are). 

Life is a puzzle of a million different pieces and each experience I go through is yet another piece that fits to create the final puzzle.  My puzzle is no where close to being complete, there are still quite a few pieces left.  I just can’t seem to find any that fit right now.  In time right?

Just another day in the life of my thoughts….

Crap….

Crap I’ve started obsessing AGAIN.

How many times can I possibly rewind events in my mind? 

My day was great and super busy.  Worked and ran errands for my Halloween party that I was throwing for a bunch of the kids that live in my property.  Turn out was great, had about 25 kids show up to carve pumpkins, eat pizza and watch a movie.  Reminded myself why I have such a huge respect for teachers and daycare providers!  Thought about going over to a friend’s “adult” Halloween party after but was so burnt out I instead hopped in the shower washed my day away and decided to just relax.

That’s when it started…Well that’s a lie, it did start earlier but the fact that I was busy made it easier to push to the side.  Thoughts if “him” kept creeping into my mind.  This is seriously ridiculous!  I actually went as far as to pull out my damn runes, seriously??     

I went far back tonight with the memories.  You know the really good ones from the beginning giddy state.  Smiling like a damn fool then sad all in the same breath.  Wishing he would call or text then reminding myself the truth of the situation.  Didn’t help that I watched a show on tv that spoke about similar circumstances that had a positive outcome.  TV is the devil I tell you!!

So now here I sit….releasing…IT’S OVER…let it go…let him go. PERIOD WOOOOSAAAAW…that is all.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Want something done? Do it yourself…

I grew up with the mentality that if you want something done then do it yourself.  Because of this, I have found it very difficult throughout my life to communicate my needs and wants to people.  Even those close to me (very few). 

Attempting to learn something new when you have always done things a certain way is really not easy.  I’ve often wondered if my failed relationships have been in part due to my way of thinking.  People let you down and in my case people have done that all my life.  I know it is inevitable because we are all human and I know that I probably have about ten fingers pointed in my direction also.  So what do I do?  I got to tell ya, there are some serious walls that I have built.  There are also many things that I have simply put in an internal box labeled DO NOT ENTER.  If I haven’t even begun to really dive into that box to discover what to keep and what to throw out, then how can I possibly think that someone else would be able to?

At what point in my life do I begin to heal?  Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong woman (maybe too strong at times) and I am the best at dishing out some really good…no great…advice.  It’s like I have the ability to somehow take my life experiences and apply them to other people’s lives and not my own.  Crazy I know!  I’ve been through some really rough shit. I’ve always come out of it but each time it has reiterated my initial thoughts of doing it yourself.  There really is no one that I lean on for support.  Sure I have friends and occasionally I will let them in, but it is a rare occasion…..there is no one that I truly confide in.

I’m kinda tired of that.  I really would like to have more trust in people.  I really would like to express my feelings to people without always assuming that my best interest is at stake.

Today was a really rough day….it’s been a long time since I have felt this lonely.  I am always alone even when I’m not “alone’.  This thing called life I tell ya!  I sometimes feel like I am much older than my years (35) but at the end of the day I am blessed, truly blessed.  I have two beautiful healthy girls, I have a home, a job, my own health…the list is endless.  It’s time to focus on a new way of thinking I suppose.  Easier said than done but not impossible.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…..

Him…..

I’m sitting here at my desk just as I do every Monday through Friday.  It’s just me in my office so there are days that get much more boring than others, especially when I don’t have tons to get done…. Kinda like today.  It’s these kind of days that my mind races from topic to topic and back again.

So I find myself wondering about “him”.  I have actually done really well about not obsessing or over obsessing, I should say, with thoughts of him.  At this point it is pretty much a done deal.  The last encounter…well text…was my way of gaining some type of closure.  I hate that I am that girl.  You know, the one that needs closure.  Thing is it at least helps sometimes to get that, otherwise no matter how hard I try I will over think the situation.

I keep replaying different moments in time that I had with him searching for signs that I should have walked away much more sooner,  aside from the obvious reason anyway.  I always saw myself as much stronger than being “this woman” or actually “that woman” (past tense).  Why is it that people enter our lives that really don’t belong yet the connection is so strong between the two that you couldn’t possibly imagine your life without them?  What is that?  I mean seriously, is my heart meant to be in this constant broken state?  I did it to myself, I truly knew better and just didn’t do better.

A part of me wishes I will hear from him again while the other part hopes to never lay eyes on him again.  It’s so crazy how life events can mold a situation to either be in your favor or just the complete opposite.  It’s like we were seriously only meant to be a part of each others lives long enough to feel something strong/powerful, quite possibly a test for me, for him, or for us both.  Then BAM…that’s it.  We would normally be in a position to still have to be in each others presence because of our mutual friendships but just as things were falling apart for “us” they were also falling apart for his inner circle of friends (looooong story) so now it’s no longer a given that at some point in time I will see him again.  Now it would most definitely have to be an effort on my part or his.  I won’t go there.  No, now it is me working on understanding why.  Why I became so weak.   Why I allowed him into my life knowing it was NOT alright.  Why I stayed and kept staying and kept waiting and kept wanting and kept believing, when there was nothing solid enough for me to believe in at all.

Then I will open myself yet again to the possibility of love.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts……

Home….comfort space?

All I want for Christmas is my room and bed back!  It’s been a year and a half that my mom moved in and what was supposed to be a “couple of months” has now turned into me sleeping on my couch and her living in my room.  Mind you I had only moved in about three months before she came.  I know I should be thankful that I am able to help her.  The frustration could stem from the fact that there is  little to no communication between us.  It is now at the point that I have no idea when she is coming until I hear the keys in the lock and my little (big) dog looses his mind, barking madly.  My girls love having her around (they are 17 and close to 10). 

There is a long history that goes into play here, and it would take much more than this blog post to explain it.  Long story short, my mother and I have never really had the best relationship.  I actually harbor quite a bit of anger and frustration towards her.  I have tried to get a deeper understanding of why this is and what to do about it because I know it is not healthy for me, her, or my girls.  I guess I’m just not quite there yet.  Her being here makes it much harder also.  I know in my heart that the best thing I can do is let go of all this anger but I simply don’t know how.  Forgiveness….

Forgive for all the bs growing up in addition to all the bs that still continues aaaaaand all the bs that is still to come.  That is a whole lot of forgiveness!  Let me not even attempt to try to actually explain to her all that I am feeling because BOOM, defense mode kicks in and I can guarantee that I will walk away feeling much more frustrated than when I started.  The fact still remains that she is my mother.  I can’t kick her out, I can’t lose ties with her, I have to deal with it. 

For now I will continue to pray for the strength to get through while she is here and hopefully at some point in the future before it is too late, work through these issues that I have with her.  I really do hope that one day I can be in the same room with her and not feel my whole body tense up.  

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…….

Hello world!

I finally did it, YAY me!  What a journey I am in for.  You know those moments when you start something new…the anxiety of it…the excitement of it…the judgement that you have on yourself…the fear and blah blah blah.  Well that is exactly where I am at during this moment in time.  All I can say is join me if you will, while taking a walk through a day in the life of my thoughts.  Either way I am doing this for me, so if I happen to be the only reader then so be it. Let the journey begin………