Him…..

I’m sitting here at my desk just as I do every Monday through Friday.  It’s just me in my office so there are days that get much more boring than others, especially when I don’t have tons to get done…. Kinda like today.  It’s these kind of days that my mind races from topic to topic and back again.

So I find myself wondering about “him”.  I have actually done really well about not obsessing or over obsessing, I should say, with thoughts of him.  At this point it is pretty much a done deal.  The last encounter…well text…was my way of gaining some type of closure.  I hate that I am that girl.  You know, the one that needs closure.  Thing is it at least helps sometimes to get that, otherwise no matter how hard I try I will over think the situation.

I keep replaying different moments in time that I had with him searching for signs that I should have walked away much more sooner,  aside from the obvious reason anyway.  I always saw myself as much stronger than being “this woman” or actually “that woman” (past tense).  Why is it that people enter our lives that really don’t belong yet the connection is so strong between the two that you couldn’t possibly imagine your life without them?  What is that?  I mean seriously, is my heart meant to be in this constant broken state?  I did it to myself, I truly knew better and just didn’t do better.

A part of me wishes I will hear from him again while the other part hopes to never lay eyes on him again.  It’s so crazy how life events can mold a situation to either be in your favor or just the complete opposite.  It’s like we were seriously only meant to be a part of each others lives long enough to feel something strong/powerful, quite possibly a test for me, for him, or for us both.  Then BAM…that’s it.  We would normally be in a position to still have to be in each others presence because of our mutual friendships but just as things were falling apart for “us” they were also falling apart for his inner circle of friends (looooong story) so now it’s no longer a given that at some point in time I will see him again.  Now it would most definitely have to be an effort on my part or his.  I won’t go there.  No, now it is me working on understanding why.  Why I became so weak.   Why I allowed him into my life knowing it was NOT alright.  Why I stayed and kept staying and kept waiting and kept wanting and kept believing, when there was nothing solid enough for me to believe in at all.

Then I will open myself yet again to the possibility of love.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts……

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