I grew up with the mentality that if you want something done then do it yourself. Because of this, I have found it very difficult throughout my life to communicate my needs and wants to people. Even those close to me (very few).
Attempting to learn something new when you have always done things a certain way is really not easy. I’ve often wondered if my failed relationships have been in part due to my way of thinking. People let you down and in my case people have done that all my life. I know it is inevitable because we are all human and I know that I probably have about ten fingers pointed in my direction also. So what do I do? I got to tell ya, there are some serious walls that I have built. There are also many things that I have simply put in an internal box labeled DO NOT ENTER. If I haven’t even begun to really dive into that box to discover what to keep and what to throw out, then how can I possibly think that someone else would be able to?
At what point in my life do I begin to heal? Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong woman (maybe too strong at times) and I am the best at dishing out some really good…no great…advice. It’s like I have the ability to somehow take my life experiences and apply them to other people’s lives and not my own. Crazy I know! I’ve been through some really rough shit. I’ve always come out of it but each time it has reiterated my initial thoughts of doing it yourself. There really is no one that I lean on for support. Sure I have friends and occasionally I will let them in, but it is a rare occasion…..there is no one that I truly confide in.
I’m kinda tired of that. I really would like to have more trust in people. I really would like to express my feelings to people without always assuming that my best interest is at stake.
Today was a really rough day….it’s been a long time since I have felt this lonely. I am always alone even when I’m not “alone’. This thing called life I tell ya! I sometimes feel like I am much older than my years (35) but at the end of the day I am blessed, truly blessed. I have two beautiful healthy girls, I have a home, a job, my own health…the list is endless. It’s time to focus on a new way of thinking I suppose. Easier said than done but not impossible.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…..