Here we go AGAIN…

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I’m not quite sure which is worse…walking around my home that is currently filled with serious emotional tension between my mom and I, or the frustration that I feel inside myself for even having to deal with it in the first place.

Long story short (if that is possible) As I have previously mentioned I sleep on my couch while I let her have my bedroom.  Mind you…it has been a year and a half (yes I’m counting) that I have been living in this way.  I don’t enter my room for much, as it is in quite a state considering my mother is not the tidiest person in the world.  With that being said, I have minimal….absolutely no privacy whatsoever.  I very much value my weekends that I am able to sleep in a bit longer that usual.  Well when you live in your living room that is adjacent to the kitchen, dining room, front door etc.  there tends to be traffic on a constant basis between my kids and her.  On Sunday I lost it….completely.  After being woken up twice from her leaving the house and then returning, I simply couldn’t take it any more so I yelled out my frustration that sounded a little something like this “I have NOOOOOO PRIVACY, I can’t even sleep in without being interrupted, I have no place in my home that I can just go to not be bothered, I can’t sleep in my bed and shut the door, this is just ridiculous” I was still laying down and my mother was paused at the doorway.  She said nothing, proceeded to walk up the stairs to “the” room.  By that point I figured any hope of me getting any more sleep was over, so I got up.  She waited for me to get in the shower to go downstairs to the kitchen.  When I did return back to the living room she was in the kitchen getting something to eat and proceeded to instead of sit at the table, pull up a small step stool inside the kitchen so she could sit and eat.  I was even more irritated, so I left the house.

We have not spoken to each other since.  Just walking around the house ignoring each other. Part of me feels like I should apologize and the other part feels justified in my frustration.  Part of me is mad a hell that I am living in my home in this way while the other part feels hopeless.  I don’t know how much longer I can do this while at the same time manage to keep my sanity.  I’m actually surprised that I haven’t lost it already.

Thought maybe if I wrote it down I could release some of the frustration.  We shall see…

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Heavy Heart…

My heart has been extremely heavy over the last few weeks…

My mind on complete overload…

All the while I have tried to counter balance the heaviness with positive thoughts and the motto “it could always be worse”.  Truth is I’m tired.  Tired of being tired and tired of always at some point in time returning to this place.  I don’t even know the exact reason why I’m feeling so down.  What comes to mind is loneliness.  It could be the upcoming holidays, in fact I am pretty sure that has a huge part to play.  I thought the holidays were suppose to bring happiness and cheer.  I’ve been stressed about money (nothing new) I’ve had to continue to remind myself that no matter what, things always work out.  I always manage to pull it together and at the end of the day I know that I have so much more than some others who struggle much more that I do.  I’m just tired.  Tired of always having to do it alone.  Tired of not having someone in my life to share it all with. 

I wonder sometimes do I even know how to do that?  Share my life with someone…

It has been so long and I am so set in my ways of doing things.  I also wonder sometimes if I’m just not meant to be with anyone.  Maybe I’m one of those people who is meant to stay single.  Then I think, that can’t possibly be.  I have so much love in my heart.  My choices in men have not really been my strong suit.  Sad but true.  I tend to feel “connections” with men that for whatever reason, seem to be in some way or fashion unavailable.  

I wasn’t intending to make this post about my relationship status.  Loneliness can really suck! 

What I know in my heart is that I’ve got to snap out of this funk.  I have a few thoughts in my mind on possible hobbies I can pick up during this time, in the hopes that it will give me some kind of a release on the negativity.  Now I just need to gain the strength to put them in action.  Crazy thing is I’m tired of that part too.  Tired of having to pull myself up.  I’m sure that sounds terrible but it’s true.  Why do I even have to be in a place to feel compelled to pick myself up?  This place is so familiar to me that it bothers me.  I find myself thinking, here we go again.  Will this place ever not be a part of my life?  Coping with it has gotten easier over the years so for that I am extremely thankful.  

So in the meantime I will just continue to try to remember my positive thoughts in the midst of the negative and know that this too shall pass…

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…