Five Days and Counting…

We have three days left with my sister’s visit and I feel something a brewing.  She (mom) tried to play the pretend game with me that all is well ( all of a sudden without my knowledge we are back on speaking terms) and since I haven’t responded in the way that she likes,   the heavy sighing and screaming for attention behavior  has returned.  Tick Tock…

Aside from all else, Christmas was great and my babies (not so babies) were happy!

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I Have Decided…

My mother and I are still not talking. No surprise there! I will not be the one to attempt to make amends. So I have decided to get through Christmas and New Years and come January, I am going to ask her to work out making other living arrangements. I have to do this for my own sanity. She will ride this out for as long as she can and this I know for sure.
My sister flies in for Christmas. It will be interesting to see how my mother acts when she is here. That will be a story for another day! The entire dynamic of how she plays my sister against me would take an entire blog post for itself. She told my sister she has been interviewing for work. I wonder to myself when this has taken place because I haven’t seen her make a move to even attempt to look for a job in a very long time. This should be interesting to see.

All I need is to get through the next few weeks but the bottom line is…she has to go!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

WTH???

So my daughter writes a note to excuse herself from school next week (her one class she has at high school) signs my name and turns it in to the office.  Office calls me to inquire…I’m like eh? Ask for a copy of the note and sure enough it is there in black and white. 

The excuse my daughter gives me, oh I wrote a note as an example for a friend to show her what is should look like if she wanted to write an excuse note and I turned it in for her because she was in class.  She must have given me the wrong note to turn in.

Lord help me to not murder this girl. I mean looks like a dog…sounds like a dog…but it must be a cat!

Needed a moment to vent on just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Daily Prompt: Dear Mom

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Daily Prompt: Dear Mom by Michelle w. on December 14, 2012 Write a letter to your mom. Tell her something you’ve always wanted to say, but haven’t been able to.

Dear Mom-

Let me first start by saying I love you.  I know that sometimes, well most of the time, it may not seem that way.  I have tons and tons of build up anger inside of me towards you that comes out more often than not.  I’ve always wished that we could have that beautifully connected mother/daughter relationship.  Unfortunately, I gave up hope on ever having that type of a relationship years ago.  Now it is just surviving on a day to day basis, praying for the negative energy and frustration that I feel to dissipate.  I wish I could pinpoint when I began to harbor such anger towards you.  Maybe then I could chip away at it.

It could be the fact that I have always felt that you have this idea of hierarchy within our relationship.  You are the mother and that is the end all be all.  Whatever you feel, think, or do takes precedence over anything that I may feel, think or do.  There has never been, or at least I have never truly felt that you looked at me as someone who has valid thoughts or concerns about our relationship.  Whenever I would attempt to take the time to express to you what I was feeling there was always something “wrong” with my way of thinking.  You need therapy is what you would say to me, you need help, your sick, that is not the truth, etc. etc.  So therefore I became silent.  What use was it to express my feelings to someone that would never take time to examine them?  The sad part to me is that as your daughter and as you my mother, you should be the one person I should be able to come to in order to express my feelings without judgment.  Whenever we did have a disagreement it was my fault and the rage that was in your eyes would pierce my heart into a million different pieces.  It was my job to apologize and make things right.

Maybe my frustration and anger comes from the fact that I don’t believe much of what comes out of your mouth.  You manipulate situations to your advantage, you play the victim, you say things that you don’t follow through on, I have listened to you lie to other people, I have witnessed you lie to me but dare I open my mouth to ever tell you that.  You are the most negative minded person I have ever come across in my life.

Now I know that you have not lived an easy life.  I sympathize that you have gone through situations that no one should ever have to go through in their life.  I wouldn’t wish some of the events in your life on my worst enemy.  I know that is half the reason you are the way that you are.  However, as a mother it is your job to teach your children, daughters, grown adult women to keep on keeping on.  Life is not easy, I get that but instead of using your life challenges to teach something positive you instead infested your negative thinking on to me.  You are quick to mention the wrong in any and everything.  Quick to talk about what you don’t have, quick to talk about how hard things are for you….poor you.  Get over it!

You never taught me how to love and be in a relationship with someone.  You taught me that men are dogs and they are not to be trusted.  You would get angry if I had a man in my life and you felt that he in any way was placed in a position that did not include you.  Always casting that suspicious eye towards him and speaking without even talking.

So here I stand today.  I am extremely proud of the woman I have become.  Sure I have some issues but don’t we all?  I am proud that I have a closer relationship to my girls than you and I ever had.  I am proud that I can say that even though I am hurt and angered by the way that you raised me; I am who I am because of you.  I love you mom and I pray to God that before either of us leaves this earth I can put my anger to rest and forgive you.  I pray to God that one day I can be in a room with you and not feel such negative energy.  You will never change so I know that ultimately it is up to me to change the way I deal with the situation.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter

Beautiful Blogger Award

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Thank you Diary of a Warrior Princess for your nomination of Beautiful Blogger Award!

Beautiful Blogger Award Rules:

The idea behind the Beautiful Blogger Award is to recognize some of the bloggers we follow for their hard work and inspiration.

1. Copy the Beautiful Blogger Award logo and place it in your post.
2. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.
3. Tell 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 7 other bloggers for their own Beautiful Blogger Award, and comment on their blogs to let them know

7 things about me:

1. I am beaming right now from this nomination.

2. I am the proud mother of two beautiful girls, age 17 and 10.

3. I recently graduated from culinary school and have a passion for all things FOOD related

4. I love YOGA

5. I have never been married

6. I have a small dog that thinks he’s a pit bull

7. I wish I could learn how to keep plants alive

Considering I have not really been blogging for very long, I am still building up my blog community.  With that said I do have some blogs that I do really enjoy reading and so here are my nominations for Beautiful Blogger Award:
Preconscious
L.A. DAYS & NIGHTS
The Better Man Project
It Started with a Quote
vividintuition
Committed To Life
the shell of a girl

Silence…No Longer Serving a Purpose…In MY Life…

Growing up I learned the fine art of silence.

Suppressing my feeling because children didn’t have those, or at least they weren’t relevant. I became really good at it but in turn I also internalized many of the feelings I did feel throughout my childhood. I pushed them so far down and so deep that they became my defense mechanism. It was my way of “not feeling” or so I thought. The problem with doing that is that my feelings never really went away they were just tucked in a different place, in order to present themselves later in my life.
So here I find myself filled with this overwhelming feeling of resentment and anger that I don’t know how to deal with. I am fully aware that a person is a product of their environment for only as long as they claim it. Once grown up, we’re suppose to be able to choose our own path and create our own truths.
So why do I still feel like I am confined to suppressing my feelings? Why do I still feel like I am that child all those years ago that was never allowed to truly express what was in her heart? Why do I still feel that need for approval? Why do I allow myself to not speak MY truth? Ultimately the decision is up to me right? Sometimes you have to speak your truth even if it ends up hurting the other person…right? That is all a part of entering into adulthood…right? Yet….I don’t, Yet…I still fear…Yet I still worry about what others around me (family) will think…yet I remain unhappy within the confinements of my own home. Yet I still cry a silent cry, Yet I still don’t express what I need, Yet…………

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

For the record, I DON’T ever want my children to feel this way!

And Just Like That…

I saw HIM…
So random…so unexpectedly…so heart melting.
I’m driving on my merry little way going to meet a friend for some drinks out on the town, I stop at a light, I look over and there he is walking down the sidewalk. I took a very brief moment to decide…roll down my window…yell his name and he stops dead in his tracks…looks over at me…shock written all over is face…rubs his chin…then gives me that award winning smile that immediately melts my heart. What are the odds of that?
I am so in love with this man and there is nothing I can do about it. Up until now it’s been out of sight out of mind (well not really) but more manageable to deal with the pain and work towards moving on. Now he’s all I have been able to think about since I woke up this morning. It’s like being right back to square one.
Do I wish I hadn’t seen him? No, I can’t say that at all but I do know I’m in for a world of trouble because now I will have to fight the urge to call him…