Daily Prompt: Dear Mom by Michelle w. on December 14, 2012 Write a letter to your mom. Tell her something you’ve always wanted to say, but haven’t been able to.
Let me first start by saying I love you. I know that sometimes, well most of the time, it may not seem that way. I have tons and tons of build up anger inside of me towards you that comes out more often than not. I’ve always wished that we could have that beautifully connected mother/daughter relationship. Unfortunately, I gave up hope on ever having that type of a relationship years ago. Now it is just surviving on a day to day basis, praying for the negative energy and frustration that I feel to dissipate. I wish I could pinpoint when I began to harbor such anger towards you. Maybe then I could chip away at it.
It could be the fact that I have always felt that you have this idea of hierarchy within our relationship. You are the mother and that is the end all be all. Whatever you feel, think, or do takes precedence over anything that I may feel, think or do. There has never been, or at least I have never truly felt that you looked at me as someone who has valid thoughts or concerns about our relationship. Whenever I would attempt to take the time to express to you what I was feeling there was always something “wrong” with my way of thinking. You need therapy is what you would say to me, you need help, your sick, that is not the truth, etc. etc. So therefore I became silent. What use was it to express my feelings to someone that would never take time to examine them? The sad part to me is that as your daughter and as you my mother, you should be the one person I should be able to come to in order to express my feelings without judgment. Whenever we did have a disagreement it was my fault and the rage that was in your eyes would pierce my heart into a million different pieces. It was my job to apologize and make things right.
Maybe my frustration and anger comes from the fact that I don’t believe much of what comes out of your mouth. You manipulate situations to your advantage, you play the victim, you say things that you don’t follow through on, I have listened to you lie to other people, I have witnessed you lie to me but dare I open my mouth to ever tell you that. You are the most negative minded person I have ever come across in my life.
Now I know that you have not lived an easy life. I sympathize that you have gone through situations that no one should ever have to go through in their life. I wouldn’t wish some of the events in your life on my worst enemy. I know that is half the reason you are the way that you are. However, as a mother it is your job to teach your children, daughters, grown adult women to keep on keeping on. Life is not easy, I get that but instead of using your life challenges to teach something positive you instead infested your negative thinking on to me. You are quick to mention the wrong in any and everything. Quick to talk about what you don’t have, quick to talk about how hard things are for you….poor you. Get over it!
You never taught me how to love and be in a relationship with someone. You taught me that men are dogs and they are not to be trusted. You would get angry if I had a man in my life and you felt that he in any way was placed in a position that did not include you. Always casting that suspicious eye towards him and speaking without even talking.
So here I stand today. I am extremely proud of the woman I have become. Sure I have some issues but don’t we all? I am proud that I have a closer relationship to my girls than you and I ever had. I am proud that I can say that even though I am hurt and angered by the way that you raised me; I am who I am because of you. I love you mom and I pray to God that before either of us leaves this earth I can put my anger to rest and forgive you. I pray to God that one day I can be in a room with you and not feel such negative energy. You will never change so I know that ultimately it is up to me to change the way I deal with the situation.