To Let My Light Shine…

Gosh it’s been awhile…a long while.  I’ve logged in and logged off again numerous times not knowing what to write about.  Not really knowing how to put my thought into words.  feeling vulnerable and open and afraid to express the thoughts going through my mind.  I could say I still feel that way now, right at this very moment, but I also feel the need to release.

 

I’ve been putting in so much work over the last several months.  Inner work…just when I feel like aha…I feel damn good, I feel like I’m making progress, I feel like I’m truly in the moment here, recognizing parts of myself that I haven’t seen before.  I’m still reminded that there is so much more work to do and I can’t necessarily say that I am discouraged, that wouldn’t be the right word, I would say that I just want to be “there” already.  Wherever “there” is.

 

I still feel like I am doing things to completely sabotage my own happiness.  Entering into situations that I know are no good for me and somehow I manage to convince myself that I have the power to make them different than what they really are.  It’s like I am challenging myself to dare myself to defeat myself. Does that make any sense at all?  I have become very aware in the moments that I am simply being and at times it can be overwhelming because I can also feel that the energy surrounding me is being felt by others.  I think I’ve always been afraid of that, loosing the bubble that protects me from others seeing my light.  That’s when I begin to also feel the negative energy from those around me in my immediate circle that aren’t really feeling this part of me, it hurts to feel that. It hurts to know that those people who claim to support me and love me are limited to supporting and loving me as long as I remain dim.  My circle is already pretty small so to feel like I’ve chosen people that I thought were for me that are really waiting in the winds to see my next downfall, really kinda sucks!

 

So the question I ask myself…is that what I’ve been doing all along?  Allowing myself to stay dimly lit for the sake of everyone else?

 

I’m gonna need to marinate on that one for a bit…

 

Till next time, just another day in the life of my thoughts…

 

Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.