I re-connected with someone a couple of weeks ago, an old flame…small flame, not full on fire back then. It got me to thinking that for some reason or another this seems to always happen to me, the re-connecting part with someone from my past. I’m wondering if it’s a pattern in my life for whatever reason. I’m sure I am completely over analyzing the situation as I tend to do but either way, I can’t help but to wonder. I suppose that isn’t really the point here.
I can’t even really remember what ended things before, I think if I remember correctly I decided I wanted the “bad boy” instead…go figure. I do know that there were no hard feelings involved or neither if us caused the other discomfort. We were simply dating back then and things kinds fizzled out. A mid 20’s moment…
We are now both in our 30’s and I know that I am most definitely in a different place than I was back then and it appears that he may be also. Truth be told, I like him. However, I am already creating all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t date him. Self sabotage! He’s good-looking in his own little quirky kinda way. Absolutely, no “bad boy” qualities screaming at me to run for the hills (or in my usual case get closer knowing it will leave me with a broken heart). We have awesome conversation that just flows from here to there and all the little things in between. He genuinely seems interested in my thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to him (I get that cheesy little grin when I think about him). He’s an all around nice guy. So what the hell is my problem?
I’ve been single for so long and the thought of someone actually being a serious option without me somehow knowing that it will ultimately end sooner than later scares the hell out of me. I mean this guy is seriously husband material. Isn’t that what every woman wants? No no here is sit, nit-picking on little things that I’m trying to find that give me reasons to not even attempt to get any closer. Mind you this is only after a couple of weeks. Sigh… I should at least give it like a month right?
It’s this inner turmoil that I have going on. Admitting to myself that I am scared is a good thing, it kinda opens my eyes a little and allows me to really see that I’ve governed a lot of my last few encounters with men out of fear and the result of that I somewhat created just within my own mind and actions. I want true love, I really do. I’m certainly not getting any younger and I do realize that I can’t keep shooting down all the actual opportunities I get to find true love because sooner or later I will end up bitter and alone.
I’m going to try with all my might to just kinda go with the flow here and allow things to develop in their own time without over thinking, especially with all the negative inner chatter. I’m going to make a pact with myself to really open myself up, discard the armor and let’s see where this goes.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…