To Let My Light Shine…

Gosh it’s been awhile…a long while.  I’ve logged in and logged off again numerous times not knowing what to write about.  Not really knowing how to put my thought into words.  feeling vulnerable and open and afraid to express the thoughts going through my mind.  I could say I still feel that way now, right at this very moment, but I also feel the need to release.

 

I’ve been putting in so much work over the last several months.  Inner work…just when I feel like aha…I feel damn good, I feel like I’m making progress, I feel like I’m truly in the moment here, recognizing parts of myself that I haven’t seen before.  I’m still reminded that there is so much more work to do and I can’t necessarily say that I am discouraged, that wouldn’t be the right word, I would say that I just want to be “there” already.  Wherever “there” is.

 

I still feel like I am doing things to completely sabotage my own happiness.  Entering into situations that I know are no good for me and somehow I manage to convince myself that I have the power to make them different than what they really are.  It’s like I am challenging myself to dare myself to defeat myself. Does that make any sense at all?  I have become very aware in the moments that I am simply being and at times it can be overwhelming because I can also feel that the energy surrounding me is being felt by others.  I think I’ve always been afraid of that, loosing the bubble that protects me from others seeing my light.  That’s when I begin to also feel the negative energy from those around me in my immediate circle that aren’t really feeling this part of me, it hurts to feel that. It hurts to know that those people who claim to support me and love me are limited to supporting and loving me as long as I remain dim.  My circle is already pretty small so to feel like I’ve chosen people that I thought were for me that are really waiting in the winds to see my next downfall, really kinda sucks!

 

So the question I ask myself…is that what I’ve been doing all along?  Allowing myself to stay dimly lit for the sake of everyone else?

 

I’m gonna need to marinate on that one for a bit…

 

Till next time, just another day in the life of my thoughts…

 

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My Mother is a Narcissist…

 

 

silence_of_the_lambs

I woke up today and I just laid in thought for quite some time.  My thoughts were racing back and forth but it all boiled down to feeling like I am living in this world of complete and utter silence. A world of not being heard, accepted, understood or  better yet misunderstood.  This was one of those mornings I wanted to stay tucked under my blanket with the shades drawn and be allowed to just wallow in my misery.  Then I thought to myself “I am not a victim” I am not defined by what she thinks of me or anyone else who may disagree with the choices I have made.  The only thing is that even though I made an attempt to not categorize myself into being a victim of circumstance, I still have this lingering feeling of being silenced yet again.  I cannot tell you how many times throughout my life I have felt this way and quite frankly I am tired of it.  I’ve been reading a book called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride, Ph. D and I must say this book has been very eye-opening to me.  I have to admit though, that I think I am still in denial about accepting that my mother is a narcissist.  It’s not easy to accept and I keep finding myself somehow in the back of my mind telling myself that what is happening is my fault in someway, if I only had done this or that differently or I should be thankful that I am able to help my mother in her time of need and not be so selfish with wanting my own space back.  I should be more sympathetic to her situation…blah blah blah.   But when I look at this list of traits of a narcissistic mother, it brings to light so many of the feelings that I had growing up as well as feelings I still have today.

  1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
  2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
  3. Does your mother act jealous of you?
  4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
  5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?”
  6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
  7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
  8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
  9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
  10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
  11. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
  12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
  13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
  14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
  15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
  16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
  17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
  18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
  19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
  20. Are you shamed often by your mother?
  21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
  22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
  23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
  24. Does your mother appear phony to you?
  25. Does your mother want to control your choices?
  26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
  27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
  28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
  29. Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
  30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
  31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
  32. Does your mother compete with you?
  33. Does your mother always have to have things her way?

Then I read things like this and realized it is spot on with what I am dealing with right now:

Lack of Effective Communication:
The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is through triangulation. This is where information is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Information is not direct. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don’t confront the individuals directly. Alas, causing the creation of passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust among family members. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.

It’s challenging for me to accept what I am learning to be true in regards to my mother, instead of falling back into the same patterns of what I have been used to my whole life.  Internalizing and finding blame within myself for the relationship, or lack there of when it comes to her has always been my way of dealing.

For those of you that have been following my blog and have seen previous posts that I have written in regards to my mother you will have a better sense of where I am coming from now.  It is going on 4 months since her and I have spoken to each other while living under the same roof because I dared speak my voice and express my needs.  Her way of attempting to communicate has been through other people within my family such as my sister and even my own daughter or she has begun to suddenly post little bits and pieces on social media, although I blocked my ability to see any of her posts.  This blog is my outlet even though I don’t post as much as I could (still learning that it is ok to express my feelings even through writing and not feel ashamed) it helps me to clear my mind when it gets overly cluttered with nonsense.  In addition I have a pretty awesome therapist!  It’s no lie that this is indeed a lifetime of work that I have ahead of me…

Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Daily Prompt: Erasure

Daily Prompt: Erasure

by michelle w. on March 12, 2013

You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

Trials and tribulations…Lord knows I have had them, am going through some as I write, and will continue to go through them for the rest of my life.

I am a piece of clay that is constantly being molded and remolded with every situation I go through in my life.  There are days that I wish I had a different life.  Days that I wish I didn’t have to struggle the way that I do. Days that I wish I could shut down and close the doors on everyone and every situation in my life.  Even with all of that, I sit here pondering this question and I think to myself, what would I erase?  Truth is nothing. I have always said that even though I have been through so much in my life, I think that I have turned out pretty damn alright.  I am human and I have my days just like everyone else but overall I truly am a phenomenal woman who has endured and triumphed situations in my life that I’m not exactly sure that others would have made it thus far.  The saying goes “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  I am still alive and breathing and although I can truly say I have had moments in my life that I did not think I could go on another day dealing with certain issues…I did. I survived and lived to tell the story. 

Even now I am going through some things in my life that I wish I wasn’t, but no matter what, I know that one day I will look back on these days and realize the strength that I was able to maintain and that is what will make all the difference in the world.  Life experiences build character, they make us who we are from the moment we are capable of making our own decisions. Choices that we make lead to outcomes and even the not so great choices ultimately teach us more about ourselves.

I could easily say I would erase self doubt, self defeating thoughts and behaviors,  etc. etc. Truthfully there are more times that one that I have felt this way so erasing one event wouldn’t change the fact that there were more events that held similar experiences to follow.  Something I have always remembered that someone once said to me is that “life events repeat themselves until they are learned.” The truth in that statement is remarkably true to many events in my life.  There are lessons to be learned in every phase of life and if by chance you didn’t get it the first time, second time, or even the third.  Rest assured that if it is something that you are meant to grasp, you will indeed cross paths with that lesson as many times as it takes to “get it”.

So with all that said, I say LIVE life, take it all in. The good, the bad, the ugly…own it, truly feel it, and at the finish line stand fast in the knowledge that you ROCKED THAT SHIT!!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Silence…No Longer Serving a Purpose…In MY Life…

Growing up I learned the fine art of silence.

Suppressing my feeling because children didn’t have those, or at least they weren’t relevant. I became really good at it but in turn I also internalized many of the feelings I did feel throughout my childhood. I pushed them so far down and so deep that they became my defense mechanism. It was my way of “not feeling” or so I thought. The problem with doing that is that my feelings never really went away they were just tucked in a different place, in order to present themselves later in my life.
So here I find myself filled with this overwhelming feeling of resentment and anger that I don’t know how to deal with. I am fully aware that a person is a product of their environment for only as long as they claim it. Once grown up, we’re suppose to be able to choose our own path and create our own truths.
So why do I still feel like I am confined to suppressing my feelings? Why do I still feel like I am that child all those years ago that was never allowed to truly express what was in her heart? Why do I still feel that need for approval? Why do I allow myself to not speak MY truth? Ultimately the decision is up to me right? Sometimes you have to speak your truth even if it ends up hurting the other person…right? That is all a part of entering into adulthood…right? Yet….I don’t, Yet…I still fear…Yet I still worry about what others around me (family) will think…yet I remain unhappy within the confinements of my own home. Yet I still cry a silent cry, Yet I still don’t express what I need, Yet…………

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

For the record, I DON’T ever want my children to feel this way!

Want something done? Do it yourself…

I grew up with the mentality that if you want something done then do it yourself.  Because of this, I have found it very difficult throughout my life to communicate my needs and wants to people.  Even those close to me (very few). 

Attempting to learn something new when you have always done things a certain way is really not easy.  I’ve often wondered if my failed relationships have been in part due to my way of thinking.  People let you down and in my case people have done that all my life.  I know it is inevitable because we are all human and I know that I probably have about ten fingers pointed in my direction also.  So what do I do?  I got to tell ya, there are some serious walls that I have built.  There are also many things that I have simply put in an internal box labeled DO NOT ENTER.  If I haven’t even begun to really dive into that box to discover what to keep and what to throw out, then how can I possibly think that someone else would be able to?

At what point in my life do I begin to heal?  Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong woman (maybe too strong at times) and I am the best at dishing out some really good…no great…advice.  It’s like I have the ability to somehow take my life experiences and apply them to other people’s lives and not my own.  Crazy I know!  I’ve been through some really rough shit. I’ve always come out of it but each time it has reiterated my initial thoughts of doing it yourself.  There really is no one that I lean on for support.  Sure I have friends and occasionally I will let them in, but it is a rare occasion…..there is no one that I truly confide in.

I’m kinda tired of that.  I really would like to have more trust in people.  I really would like to express my feelings to people without always assuming that my best interest is at stake.

Today was a really rough day….it’s been a long time since I have felt this lonely.  I am always alone even when I’m not “alone’.  This thing called life I tell ya!  I sometimes feel like I am much older than my years (35) but at the end of the day I am blessed, truly blessed.  I have two beautiful healthy girls, I have a home, a job, my own health…the list is endless.  It’s time to focus on a new way of thinking I suppose.  Easier said than done but not impossible.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…..

Home….comfort space?

All I want for Christmas is my room and bed back!  It’s been a year and a half that my mom moved in and what was supposed to be a “couple of months” has now turned into me sleeping on my couch and her living in my room.  Mind you I had only moved in about three months before she came.  I know I should be thankful that I am able to help her.  The frustration could stem from the fact that there is  little to no communication between us.  It is now at the point that I have no idea when she is coming until I hear the keys in the lock and my little (big) dog looses his mind, barking madly.  My girls love having her around (they are 17 and close to 10). 

There is a long history that goes into play here, and it would take much more than this blog post to explain it.  Long story short, my mother and I have never really had the best relationship.  I actually harbor quite a bit of anger and frustration towards her.  I have tried to get a deeper understanding of why this is and what to do about it because I know it is not healthy for me, her, or my girls.  I guess I’m just not quite there yet.  Her being here makes it much harder also.  I know in my heart that the best thing I can do is let go of all this anger but I simply don’t know how.  Forgiveness….

Forgive for all the bs growing up in addition to all the bs that still continues aaaaaand all the bs that is still to come.  That is a whole lot of forgiveness!  Let me not even attempt to try to actually explain to her all that I am feeling because BOOM, defense mode kicks in and I can guarantee that I will walk away feeling much more frustrated than when I started.  The fact still remains that she is my mother.  I can’t kick her out, I can’t lose ties with her, I have to deal with it. 

For now I will continue to pray for the strength to get through while she is here and hopefully at some point in the future before it is too late, work through these issues that I have with her.  I really do hope that one day I can be in the same room with her and not feel my whole body tense up.  

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…….