Growing up I learned the fine art of silence.
Suppressing my feeling because children didn’t have those, or at least they weren’t relevant. I became really good at it but in turn I also internalized many of the feelings I did feel throughout my childhood. I pushed them so far down and so deep that they became my defense mechanism. It was my way of “not feeling” or so I thought. The problem with doing that is that my feelings never really went away they were just tucked in a different place, in order to present themselves later in my life.
So here I find myself filled with this overwhelming feeling of resentment and anger that I don’t know how to deal with. I am fully aware that a person is a product of their environment for only as long as they claim it. Once grown up, we’re suppose to be able to choose our own path and create our own truths.
So why do I still feel like I am confined to suppressing my feelings? Why do I still feel like I am that child all those years ago that was never allowed to truly express what was in her heart? Why do I still feel that need for approval? Why do I allow myself to not speak MY truth? Ultimately the decision is up to me right? Sometimes you have to speak your truth even if it ends up hurting the other person…right? That is all a part of entering into adulthood…right? Yet….I don’t, Yet…I still fear…Yet I still worry about what others around me (family) will think…yet I remain unhappy within the confinements of my own home. Yet I still cry a silent cry, Yet I still don’t express what I need, Yet…………
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…
For the record, I DON’T ever want my children to feel this way!
All I want for Christmas is my room and bed back! It’s been a year and a half that my mom moved in and what was supposed to be a “couple of months” has now turned into me sleeping on my couch and her living in my room. Mind you I had only moved in about three months before she came. I know I should be thankful that I am able to help her. The frustration could stem from the fact that there is little to no communication between us. It is now at the point that I have no idea when she is coming until I hear the keys in the lock and my little (big) dog looses his mind, barking madly. My girls love having her around (they are 17 and close to 10).
There is a long history that goes into play here, and it would take much more than this blog post to explain it. Long story short, my mother and I have never really had the best relationship. I actually harbor quite a bit of anger and frustration towards her. I have tried to get a deeper understanding of why this is and what to do about it because I know it is not healthy for me, her, or my girls. I guess I’m just not quite there yet. Her being here makes it much harder also. I know in my heart that the best thing I can do is let go of all this anger but I simply don’t know how. Forgiveness….
Forgive for all the bs growing up in addition to all the bs that still continues aaaaaand all the bs that is still to come. That is a whole lot of forgiveness! Let me not even attempt to try to actually explain to her all that I am feeling because BOOM, defense mode kicks in and I can guarantee that I will walk away feeling much more frustrated than when I started. The fact still remains that she is my mother. I can’t kick her out, I can’t lose ties with her, I have to deal with it.
For now I will continue to pray for the strength to get through while she is here and hopefully at some point in the future before it is too late, work through these issues that I have with her. I really do hope that one day I can be in the same room with her and not feel my whole body tense up.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…….