Choice…

The door is open…

You stand at the doorway.

Knocking…

Come in…

You remain still.

Come in…

No movement…

Another knock…

One step is all it takes.

The rest will follow.

No movement…

The only choice…

The only option…

I slowly close the door.

You walk away…

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Today…

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Today I wish I had someone to talk to…

I woke up on the wrong side of the…couch and haven’t been able to shake it all day.  Could be the fact that I’ve been up since the butt crack of dawn.  Could be the fact that I have been agitated all week or more like shit has been building up on the inside all week.  That one feeling…hopelessness for my situation.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for about two months now and at times I feel like I’m making a breakthrough and my therapist has stated the same but on this particular day I feel like I haven’t made much progress at all.  I AM FRUSTRATED!!  There is only so much a person can take and I feel that I have depleted all the strength that I can give to living like this.  I’m hanging on the end of a rope about to lose my grip and go tumbling down into an abyss.

Dear God if you hear me…please I am begging you to remove this negative feeling within my soul and replace it with a sense of peace.  I am asking for a sign that you are still with me and that what I am going through will soon be over.  I am asking you to renew my faith and patience, even if just for today.

Any and all prayers are welcome!

This too shall pass…

A Word On Spitefulness…

Have you ever gone through a situation in your life that had such a negative impact that you wanted someone else to be able to experience it too? NOT for the purpose of them having to endure the negative experience, but simply for them to be able to better understand the what and why of how you chose to deal with the issue. The thing is…no one and I mean no one can ever fit inside your shoes and walk the same path as you. My life story and your life story are not and never will be one in the same. People may be able to relate to certain situations but each and everyone is unique in the way that they process their personal life experiences which is why we should try as hard as we can to not intentionally hurt those who surround us. It is inevitable that because we each process things differently that hurt feelings will occur but there is a difference in deliberately hurting someone vs. speaking your truth and having that hurt someone. Never apologize for speaking your truth as long as in your heart you know that it was never meant to intentionally hurt another. On the other hand, if you are a person who intentionally does spiteful things in order to hurt another person then shame on you and may God have mercy on your soul!

There truly is nothing more heart breaking than a person who finds some type of enjoyment at the expense of another human being.  Isn’t life hard enough?  This shit is quite twisted if you ask me and said person should seek professional help immediately!  I mean let’s be real here…I think there is a certain level of spitefulness in everyone, especially when triggered by hurt feelings but at some point on the in between there has to be a light bulb that goes off reminding us that two wrongs don’t make a right and when that happens then we make amends for our part in any wrongdoing.

The point I am trying to make here is that there are those people who will continually do things out of spite over and over again as if it is completely natural and completely justified.  What part of their brain isn’t functioning?  I’m over it and I’m over the emotional roller coaster involved with dealing with such people.  The hard part is when these types of people are your immediate family members but hear me when I say that no one has the right to treat you with the utmost disrespect in order for them to somehow feel better about themselves, not matter who they are.  Cute em loose and feel proud for doing so!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts….

ME…

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It’s easy to feel alone in all the hustle and bustle of every day life

Even when surrounded by others…

truth is, journey is individual

walking alone at times builds character and richness

time spent alone allows for in depth research

I’m beginning to realize that I truly am one of a kind

knowing and believing are two different things…

My belief is becoming grounded

I am becoming free…

free of the shackles I placed upon myself

free of the box I created to surround myself

free of the person who no longer serves me

my authentic me….

Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Possibilities…

I re-connected with someone a couple of weeks ago, an old flame…small flame, not full on fire back then. It got me to thinking that for some reason or another this seems to always happen to me, the re-connecting part with someone from my past. I’m wondering if it’s a pattern in my life for whatever reason. I’m sure I am completely over analyzing the situation as I tend to do but either way, I can’t help but to wonder. I suppose that isn’t really the point here.
I can’t even really remember what ended things before, I think if I remember correctly I decided I wanted the “bad boy” instead…go figure. I do know that there were no hard feelings involved or neither if us caused the other discomfort. We were simply dating back then and things kinds fizzled out. A mid 20’s moment…
We are now both in our 30’s and I know that I am most definitely in a different place than I was back then and it appears that he may be also. Truth be told, I like him. However, I am already creating all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t date him. Self sabotage! He’s good-looking in his own little quirky kinda way. Absolutely, no “bad boy” qualities screaming at me to run for the hills (or in my usual case get closer knowing it will leave me with a broken heart). We have awesome conversation that just flows from here to there and all the little things in between. He genuinely seems interested in my thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to him (I get that cheesy little grin when I think about him).  He’s an all around nice guy. So what the hell is my problem?
I’ve been single for so long and the thought of someone actually being a serious option without me somehow knowing that it will ultimately end sooner than later scares the hell out of me. I mean this guy is seriously husband material. Isn’t that what every woman wants? No no here is sit, nit-picking on little things that I’m trying to find that give me reasons to not even attempt to get any closer. Mind you this is only after a couple of weeks. Sigh… I should at least give it like a month right?
It’s this inner turmoil that I have going on. Admitting to myself that I am scared is a good thing, it kinda opens my eyes a little and allows me to really see that I’ve governed a lot of my last few encounters with men out of fear and the result of that I somewhat created just within my own mind and actions. I want true love, I really do. I’m certainly not getting any younger and I do realize that I can’t keep shooting down all the actual opportunities I get to find true love because sooner or later I will end up bitter and alone.
I’m going to try with all my might to just kinda go with the flow here and allow things to develop in their own time without over thinking, especially with all the negative inner chatter. I’m going to make a pact with myself to really open myself up, discard the armor  and let’s see where this goes.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…