I woke up today and I just laid in thought for quite some time. My thoughts were racing back and forth but it all boiled down to feeling like I am living in this world of complete and utter silence. A world of not being heard, accepted, understood or better yet misunderstood. This was one of those mornings I wanted to stay tucked under my blanket with the shades drawn and be allowed to just wallow in my misery. Then I thought to myself “I am not a victim” I am not defined by what she thinks of me or anyone else who may disagree with the choices I have made. The only thing is that even though I made an attempt to not categorize myself into being a victim of circumstance, I still have this lingering feeling of being silenced yet again. I cannot tell you how many times throughout my life I have felt this way and quite frankly I am tired of it. I’ve been reading a book called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride, Ph. D and I must say this book has been very eye-opening to me. I have to admit though, that I think I am still in denial about accepting that my mother is a narcissist. It’s not easy to accept and I keep finding myself somehow in the back of my mind telling myself that what is happening is my fault in someway, if I only had done this or that differently or I should be thankful that I am able to help my mother in her time of need and not be so selfish with wanting my own space back. I should be more sympathetic to her situation…blah blah blah. But when I look at this list of traits of a narcissistic mother, it brings to light so many of the feelings that I had growing up as well as feelings I still have today.
- When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
- When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
- Does your mother act jealous of you?
- Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
- Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?”
- Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
- Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
- Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
- When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
- Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
- Does your mother deny her own feelings?
- Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
- Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
- Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
- Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
- Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
- Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
- Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
- Are you shamed often by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
- Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
- Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
- Does your mother appear phony to you?
- Does your mother want to control your choices?
- Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
- Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
- Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
- Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
- Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
- Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
- Does your mother compete with you?
- Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Then I read things like this and realized it is spot on with what I am dealing with right now:
Lack of Effective Communication:
The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is through triangulation. This is where information is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Information is not direct. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don’t confront the individuals directly. Alas, causing the creation of passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust among family members. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.
It’s challenging for me to accept what I am learning to be true in regards to my mother, instead of falling back into the same patterns of what I have been used to my whole life. Internalizing and finding blame within myself for the relationship, or lack there of when it comes to her has always been my way of dealing.
For those of you that have been following my blog and have seen previous posts that I have written in regards to my mother you will have a better sense of where I am coming from now. It is going on 4 months since her and I have spoken to each other while living under the same roof because I dared speak my voice and express my needs. Her way of attempting to communicate has been through other people within my family such as my sister and even my own daughter or she has begun to suddenly post little bits and pieces on social media, although I blocked my ability to see any of her posts. This blog is my outlet even though I don’t post as much as I could (still learning that it is ok to express my feelings even through writing and not feel ashamed) it helps me to clear my mind when it gets overly cluttered with nonsense. In addition I have a pretty awesome therapist! It’s no lie that this is indeed a lifetime of work that I have ahead of me…
Today I wish I had someone to talk to…
I woke up on the wrong side of the…couch and haven’t been able to shake it all day. Could be the fact that I’ve been up since the butt crack of dawn. Could be the fact that I have been agitated all week or more like shit has been building up on the inside all week. That one feeling…hopelessness for my situation.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for about two months now and at times I feel like I’m making a breakthrough and my therapist has stated the same but on this particular day I feel like I haven’t made much progress at all. I AM FRUSTRATED!! There is only so much a person can take and I feel that I have depleted all the strength that I can give to living like this. I’m hanging on the end of a rope about to lose my grip and go tumbling down into an abyss.
Dear God if you hear me…please I am begging you to remove this negative feeling within my soul and replace it with a sense of peace. I am asking for a sign that you are still with me and that what I am going through will soon be over. I am asking you to renew my faith and patience, even if just for today.
Any and all prayers are welcome!
This too shall pass…
What kind of parent sees it fit to make their child (adult or otherwise) look like a demon amongst family members for simply expressing their feelings, needs, wants, and desires? Who does that?? What kind of parent talks negatively about one child to the other? Who does that?? What kind of parent gets angry because their child wants to live their own life and decides to attempt to explain the feelings they are having and their need for space? What kind of parent decides what type of help is considered acceptable based on their own needs vs. that of their child? What kind of parent holds grudges against their child for speaking their mind? What kind of parent makes their child responsible for their well-being when they are fully capable of taking care of themselves? What kind of parent uses guilt, obligation, and manipulation to prove a point to their child? I mean seriously…WHO DOES THAT??
Living a life where you feel guilty about being open about your feelings to your mother is no way of life at all. The one person in the world that you should be able to go to and express anything to without judgement let alone anger, frustration, fear, etc
. The one person in the world who should understand where you might be coming from is instead the one person who causes you the most heartache and pain. Go figure…It’s a wonder I have made it this far.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…
“Parenting” (Photo credit: vanhookc)
Growing up I learned the fine art of silence.
Suppressing my feeling because children didn’t have those, or at least they weren’t relevant. I became really good at it but in turn I also internalized many of the feelings I did feel throughout my childhood. I pushed them so far down and so deep that they became my defense mechanism. It was my way of “not feeling” or so I thought. The problem with doing that is that my feelings never really went away they were just tucked in a different place, in order to present themselves later in my life.
So here I find myself filled with this overwhelming feeling of resentment and anger that I don’t know how to deal with. I am fully aware that a person is a product of their environment for only as long as they claim it. Once grown up, we’re suppose to be able to choose our own path and create our own truths.
So why do I still feel like I am confined to suppressing my feelings? Why do I still feel like I am that child all those years ago that was never allowed to truly express what was in her heart? Why do I still feel that need for approval? Why do I allow myself to not speak MY truth? Ultimately the decision is up to me right? Sometimes you have to speak your truth even if it ends up hurting the other person…right? That is all a part of entering into adulthood…right? Yet….I don’t, Yet…I still fear…Yet I still worry about what others around me (family) will think…yet I remain unhappy within the confinements of my own home. Yet I still cry a silent cry, Yet I still don’t express what I need, Yet…………
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…
For the record, I DON’T ever want my children to feel this way!
My heart has been extremely heavy over the last few weeks…
My mind on complete overload…
All the while I have tried to counter balance the heaviness with positive thoughts and the motto “it could always be worse”. Truth is I’m tired. Tired of being tired and tired of always at some point in time returning to this place. I don’t even know the exact reason why I’m feeling so down. What comes to mind is loneliness. It could be the upcoming holidays, in fact I am pretty sure that has a huge part to play. I thought the holidays were suppose to bring happiness and cheer. I’ve been stressed about money (nothing new) I’ve had to continue to remind myself that no matter what, things always work out. I always manage to pull it together and at the end of the day I know that I have so much more than some others who struggle much more that I do. I’m just tired. Tired of always having to do it alone. Tired of not having someone in my life to share it all with.
I wonder sometimes do I even know how to do that? Share my life with someone…
It has been so long and I am so set in my ways of doing things. I also wonder sometimes if I’m just not meant to be with anyone. Maybe I’m one of those people who is meant to stay single. Then I think, that can’t possibly be. I have so much love in my heart. My choices in men have not really been my strong suit. Sad but true. I tend to feel “connections” with men that for whatever reason, seem to be in some way or fashion unavailable.
I wasn’t intending to make this post about my relationship status. Loneliness can really suck!
What I know in my heart is that I’ve got to snap out of this funk. I have a few thoughts in my mind on possible hobbies I can pick up during this time, in the hopes that it will give me some kind of a release on the negativity. Now I just need to gain the strength to put them in action. Crazy thing is I’m tired of that part too. Tired of having to pull myself up. I’m sure that sounds terrible but it’s true. Why do I even have to be in a place to feel compelled to pick myself up? This place is so familiar to me that it bothers me. I find myself thinking, here we go again. Will this place ever not be a part of my life? Coping with it has gotten easier over the years so for that I am extremely thankful.
So in the meantime I will just continue to try to remember my positive thoughts in the midst of the negative and know that this too shall pass…
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…