To Let My Light Shine…

Gosh it’s been awhile…a long while.  I’ve logged in and logged off again numerous times not knowing what to write about.  Not really knowing how to put my thought into words.  feeling vulnerable and open and afraid to express the thoughts going through my mind.  I could say I still feel that way now, right at this very moment, but I also feel the need to release.

 

I’ve been putting in so much work over the last several months.  Inner work…just when I feel like aha…I feel damn good, I feel like I’m making progress, I feel like I’m truly in the moment here, recognizing parts of myself that I haven’t seen before.  I’m still reminded that there is so much more work to do and I can’t necessarily say that I am discouraged, that wouldn’t be the right word, I would say that I just want to be “there” already.  Wherever “there” is.

 

I still feel like I am doing things to completely sabotage my own happiness.  Entering into situations that I know are no good for me and somehow I manage to convince myself that I have the power to make them different than what they really are.  It’s like I am challenging myself to dare myself to defeat myself. Does that make any sense at all?  I have become very aware in the moments that I am simply being and at times it can be overwhelming because I can also feel that the energy surrounding me is being felt by others.  I think I’ve always been afraid of that, loosing the bubble that protects me from others seeing my light.  That’s when I begin to also feel the negative energy from those around me in my immediate circle that aren’t really feeling this part of me, it hurts to feel that. It hurts to know that those people who claim to support me and love me are limited to supporting and loving me as long as I remain dim.  My circle is already pretty small so to feel like I’ve chosen people that I thought were for me that are really waiting in the winds to see my next downfall, really kinda sucks!

 

So the question I ask myself…is that what I’ve been doing all along?  Allowing myself to stay dimly lit for the sake of everyone else?

 

I’m gonna need to marinate on that one for a bit…

 

Till next time, just another day in the life of my thoughts…

 

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Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Daily Prompt: Erasure

Daily Prompt: Erasure

by michelle w. on March 12, 2013

You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

Trials and tribulations…Lord knows I have had them, am going through some as I write, and will continue to go through them for the rest of my life.

I am a piece of clay that is constantly being molded and remolded with every situation I go through in my life.  There are days that I wish I had a different life.  Days that I wish I didn’t have to struggle the way that I do. Days that I wish I could shut down and close the doors on everyone and every situation in my life.  Even with all of that, I sit here pondering this question and I think to myself, what would I erase?  Truth is nothing. I have always said that even though I have been through so much in my life, I think that I have turned out pretty damn alright.  I am human and I have my days just like everyone else but overall I truly am a phenomenal woman who has endured and triumphed situations in my life that I’m not exactly sure that others would have made it thus far.  The saying goes “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  I am still alive and breathing and although I can truly say I have had moments in my life that I did not think I could go on another day dealing with certain issues…I did. I survived and lived to tell the story. 

Even now I am going through some things in my life that I wish I wasn’t, but no matter what, I know that one day I will look back on these days and realize the strength that I was able to maintain and that is what will make all the difference in the world.  Life experiences build character, they make us who we are from the moment we are capable of making our own decisions. Choices that we make lead to outcomes and even the not so great choices ultimately teach us more about ourselves.

I could easily say I would erase self doubt, self defeating thoughts and behaviors,  etc. etc. Truthfully there are more times that one that I have felt this way so erasing one event wouldn’t change the fact that there were more events that held similar experiences to follow.  Something I have always remembered that someone once said to me is that “life events repeat themselves until they are learned.” The truth in that statement is remarkably true to many events in my life.  There are lessons to be learned in every phase of life and if by chance you didn’t get it the first time, second time, or even the third.  Rest assured that if it is something that you are meant to grasp, you will indeed cross paths with that lesson as many times as it takes to “get it”.

So with all that said, I say LIVE life, take it all in. The good, the bad, the ugly…own it, truly feel it, and at the finish line stand fast in the knowledge that you ROCKED THAT SHIT!!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Silence…No Longer Serving a Purpose…In MY Life…

Growing up I learned the fine art of silence.

Suppressing my feeling because children didn’t have those, or at least they weren’t relevant. I became really good at it but in turn I also internalized many of the feelings I did feel throughout my childhood. I pushed them so far down and so deep that they became my defense mechanism. It was my way of “not feeling” or so I thought. The problem with doing that is that my feelings never really went away they were just tucked in a different place, in order to present themselves later in my life.
So here I find myself filled with this overwhelming feeling of resentment and anger that I don’t know how to deal with. I am fully aware that a person is a product of their environment for only as long as they claim it. Once grown up, we’re suppose to be able to choose our own path and create our own truths.
So why do I still feel like I am confined to suppressing my feelings? Why do I still feel like I am that child all those years ago that was never allowed to truly express what was in her heart? Why do I still feel that need for approval? Why do I allow myself to not speak MY truth? Ultimately the decision is up to me right? Sometimes you have to speak your truth even if it ends up hurting the other person…right? That is all a part of entering into adulthood…right? Yet….I don’t, Yet…I still fear…Yet I still worry about what others around me (family) will think…yet I remain unhappy within the confinements of my own home. Yet I still cry a silent cry, Yet I still don’t express what I need, Yet…………

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

For the record, I DON’T ever want my children to feel this way!