Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Advertisements

Silence…No Longer Serving a Purpose…In MY Life…

Growing up I learned the fine art of silence.

Suppressing my feeling because children didn’t have those, or at least they weren’t relevant. I became really good at it but in turn I also internalized many of the feelings I did feel throughout my childhood. I pushed them so far down and so deep that they became my defense mechanism. It was my way of “not feeling” or so I thought. The problem with doing that is that my feelings never really went away they were just tucked in a different place, in order to present themselves later in my life.
So here I find myself filled with this overwhelming feeling of resentment and anger that I don’t know how to deal with. I am fully aware that a person is a product of their environment for only as long as they claim it. Once grown up, we’re suppose to be able to choose our own path and create our own truths.
So why do I still feel like I am confined to suppressing my feelings? Why do I still feel like I am that child all those years ago that was never allowed to truly express what was in her heart? Why do I still feel that need for approval? Why do I allow myself to not speak MY truth? Ultimately the decision is up to me right? Sometimes you have to speak your truth even if it ends up hurting the other person…right? That is all a part of entering into adulthood…right? Yet….I don’t, Yet…I still fear…Yet I still worry about what others around me (family) will think…yet I remain unhappy within the confinements of my own home. Yet I still cry a silent cry, Yet I still don’t express what I need, Yet…………

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

For the record, I DON’T ever want my children to feel this way!

Crap….

Crap I’ve started obsessing AGAIN.

How many times can I possibly rewind events in my mind? 

My day was great and super busy.  Worked and ran errands for my Halloween party that I was throwing for a bunch of the kids that live in my property.  Turn out was great, had about 25 kids show up to carve pumpkins, eat pizza and watch a movie.  Reminded myself why I have such a huge respect for teachers and daycare providers!  Thought about going over to a friend’s “adult” Halloween party after but was so burnt out I instead hopped in the shower washed my day away and decided to just relax.

That’s when it started…Well that’s a lie, it did start earlier but the fact that I was busy made it easier to push to the side.  Thoughts if “him” kept creeping into my mind.  This is seriously ridiculous!  I actually went as far as to pull out my damn runes, seriously??     

I went far back tonight with the memories.  You know the really good ones from the beginning giddy state.  Smiling like a damn fool then sad all in the same breath.  Wishing he would call or text then reminding myself the truth of the situation.  Didn’t help that I watched a show on tv that spoke about similar circumstances that had a positive outcome.  TV is the devil I tell you!!

So now here I sit….releasing…IT’S OVER…let it go…let him go. PERIOD WOOOOSAAAAW…that is all.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Want something done? Do it yourself…

I grew up with the mentality that if you want something done then do it yourself.  Because of this, I have found it very difficult throughout my life to communicate my needs and wants to people.  Even those close to me (very few). 

Attempting to learn something new when you have always done things a certain way is really not easy.  I’ve often wondered if my failed relationships have been in part due to my way of thinking.  People let you down and in my case people have done that all my life.  I know it is inevitable because we are all human and I know that I probably have about ten fingers pointed in my direction also.  So what do I do?  I got to tell ya, there are some serious walls that I have built.  There are also many things that I have simply put in an internal box labeled DO NOT ENTER.  If I haven’t even begun to really dive into that box to discover what to keep and what to throw out, then how can I possibly think that someone else would be able to?

At what point in my life do I begin to heal?  Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong woman (maybe too strong at times) and I am the best at dishing out some really good…no great…advice.  It’s like I have the ability to somehow take my life experiences and apply them to other people’s lives and not my own.  Crazy I know!  I’ve been through some really rough shit. I’ve always come out of it but each time it has reiterated my initial thoughts of doing it yourself.  There really is no one that I lean on for support.  Sure I have friends and occasionally I will let them in, but it is a rare occasion…..there is no one that I truly confide in.

I’m kinda tired of that.  I really would like to have more trust in people.  I really would like to express my feelings to people without always assuming that my best interest is at stake.

Today was a really rough day….it’s been a long time since I have felt this lonely.  I am always alone even when I’m not “alone’.  This thing called life I tell ya!  I sometimes feel like I am much older than my years (35) but at the end of the day I am blessed, truly blessed.  I have two beautiful healthy girls, I have a home, a job, my own health…the list is endless.  It’s time to focus on a new way of thinking I suppose.  Easier said than done but not impossible.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…..

Him…..

I’m sitting here at my desk just as I do every Monday through Friday.  It’s just me in my office so there are days that get much more boring than others, especially when I don’t have tons to get done…. Kinda like today.  It’s these kind of days that my mind races from topic to topic and back again.

So I find myself wondering about “him”.  I have actually done really well about not obsessing or over obsessing, I should say, with thoughts of him.  At this point it is pretty much a done deal.  The last encounter…well text…was my way of gaining some type of closure.  I hate that I am that girl.  You know, the one that needs closure.  Thing is it at least helps sometimes to get that, otherwise no matter how hard I try I will over think the situation.

I keep replaying different moments in time that I had with him searching for signs that I should have walked away much more sooner,  aside from the obvious reason anyway.  I always saw myself as much stronger than being “this woman” or actually “that woman” (past tense).  Why is it that people enter our lives that really don’t belong yet the connection is so strong between the two that you couldn’t possibly imagine your life without them?  What is that?  I mean seriously, is my heart meant to be in this constant broken state?  I did it to myself, I truly knew better and just didn’t do better.

A part of me wishes I will hear from him again while the other part hopes to never lay eyes on him again.  It’s so crazy how life events can mold a situation to either be in your favor or just the complete opposite.  It’s like we were seriously only meant to be a part of each others lives long enough to feel something strong/powerful, quite possibly a test for me, for him, or for us both.  Then BAM…that’s it.  We would normally be in a position to still have to be in each others presence because of our mutual friendships but just as things were falling apart for “us” they were also falling apart for his inner circle of friends (looooong story) so now it’s no longer a given that at some point in time I will see him again.  Now it would most definitely have to be an effort on my part or his.  I won’t go there.  No, now it is me working on understanding why.  Why I became so weak.   Why I allowed him into my life knowing it was NOT alright.  Why I stayed and kept staying and kept waiting and kept wanting and kept believing, when there was nothing solid enough for me to believe in at all.

Then I will open myself yet again to the possibility of love.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts……