Today…

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Today I wish I had someone to talk to…

I woke up on the wrong side of the…couch and haven’t been able to shake it all day.  Could be the fact that I’ve been up since the butt crack of dawn.  Could be the fact that I have been agitated all week or more like shit has been building up on the inside all week.  That one feeling…hopelessness for my situation.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for about two months now and at times I feel like I’m making a breakthrough and my therapist has stated the same but on this particular day I feel like I haven’t made much progress at all.  I AM FRUSTRATED!!  There is only so much a person can take and I feel that I have depleted all the strength that I can give to living like this.  I’m hanging on the end of a rope about to lose my grip and go tumbling down into an abyss.

Dear God if you hear me…please I am begging you to remove this negative feeling within my soul and replace it with a sense of peace.  I am asking for a sign that you are still with me and that what I am going through will soon be over.  I am asking you to renew my faith and patience, even if just for today.

Any and all prayers are welcome!

This too shall pass…

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ME…

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It’s easy to feel alone in all the hustle and bustle of every day life

Even when surrounded by others…

truth is, journey is individual

walking alone at times builds character and richness

time spent alone allows for in depth research

I’m beginning to realize that I truly am one of a kind

knowing and believing are two different things…

My belief is becoming grounded

I am becoming free…

free of the shackles I placed upon myself

free of the box I created to surround myself

free of the person who no longer serves me

my authentic me….

Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Daily Prompt: Erasure

Daily Prompt: Erasure

by michelle w. on March 12, 2013

You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

Trials and tribulations…Lord knows I have had them, am going through some as I write, and will continue to go through them for the rest of my life.

I am a piece of clay that is constantly being molded and remolded with every situation I go through in my life.  There are days that I wish I had a different life.  Days that I wish I didn’t have to struggle the way that I do. Days that I wish I could shut down and close the doors on everyone and every situation in my life.  Even with all of that, I sit here pondering this question and I think to myself, what would I erase?  Truth is nothing. I have always said that even though I have been through so much in my life, I think that I have turned out pretty damn alright.  I am human and I have my days just like everyone else but overall I truly am a phenomenal woman who has endured and triumphed situations in my life that I’m not exactly sure that others would have made it thus far.  The saying goes “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  I am still alive and breathing and although I can truly say I have had moments in my life that I did not think I could go on another day dealing with certain issues…I did. I survived and lived to tell the story. 

Even now I am going through some things in my life that I wish I wasn’t, but no matter what, I know that one day I will look back on these days and realize the strength that I was able to maintain and that is what will make all the difference in the world.  Life experiences build character, they make us who we are from the moment we are capable of making our own decisions. Choices that we make lead to outcomes and even the not so great choices ultimately teach us more about ourselves.

I could easily say I would erase self doubt, self defeating thoughts and behaviors,  etc. etc. Truthfully there are more times that one that I have felt this way so erasing one event wouldn’t change the fact that there were more events that held similar experiences to follow.  Something I have always remembered that someone once said to me is that “life events repeat themselves until they are learned.” The truth in that statement is remarkably true to many events in my life.  There are lessons to be learned in every phase of life and if by chance you didn’t get it the first time, second time, or even the third.  Rest assured that if it is something that you are meant to grasp, you will indeed cross paths with that lesson as many times as it takes to “get it”.

So with all that said, I say LIVE life, take it all in. The good, the bad, the ugly…own it, truly feel it, and at the finish line stand fast in the knowledge that you ROCKED THAT SHIT!!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

The Four Agreements…

My yoga instructor shared this in class today. Ironically I’ve had this book by Don Miguel Ruiz on my bookshelf for years and haven’t read it. Now is as good a time as any.  I have truly been in life reflection mode this month…this new year of 2013.   
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
 
Powerful words to live by!

Life Purpose…

Twice today I stopped in the middle of doing something and asked “why am I here, what is my life purpose?”  This isn’t the first time this has happened and I’m sure it won’t be the last until I am in the place that I am doing my life’s work.  I’m in a state of reflection, wondering, searching, questioning and such.  I have been here before more than once.  It usually happens when I feel…stuck in a rut. Not necessarily depressed, just stuck and unfulfilled with that nagging feeling that there is something more. 

I was blessed with my job close to two years ago.  I know in my heart that this job was a blessing given to me and is a gateway to allow me the flexibility I need to figure something else out. Prior to this I was finishing up my graduation/attendance of something I’ve always wanted to do, culinary school.  I have always had a passion for cooking and the opportunity to attend culinary school was such an amazing experience.  The only thing is I don’t see how it really ties into my life purpose. I don’t see myself entering the culinary field in any other way than on my terms.  I know in my heart that working in someone else’s kitchen is not what is going to bring me any type of fulfillment and realistically will end up having me dislike one of the things that I am so passionate about.  Sooooo what then?

I keep waiting for that Aha moment to come to me.  I have always felt that in someway I am meant to be a teacher not like a math or English type of teacher but more of a life teacher.  I just don’t really know how or where that is suppose to fit into my future. I am so far from where I thought I would be by now in my life.  You know what I mean right?  When you used to imagine what your life would be like when you were younger?  I would have been married by now in a beautiful house with a white picket fence and a couple of kids.  Well, I have the kids and I love them to death and could never imagine my life without them, but the husband and house never quite made it into the equation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok with that…I suppose. I mean I know my life purpose was not and is not to be a house wife (no disrespect to those that are). 

Life is a puzzle of a million different pieces and each experience I go through is yet another piece that fits to create the final puzzle.  My puzzle is no where close to being complete, there are still quite a few pieces left.  I just can’t seem to find any that fit right now.  In time right?

Just another day in the life of my thoughts….