Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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Possibilities…

I re-connected with someone a couple of weeks ago, an old flame…small flame, not full on fire back then. It got me to thinking that for some reason or another this seems to always happen to me, the re-connecting part with someone from my past. I’m wondering if it’s a pattern in my life for whatever reason. I’m sure I am completely over analyzing the situation as I tend to do but either way, I can’t help but to wonder. I suppose that isn’t really the point here.
I can’t even really remember what ended things before, I think if I remember correctly I decided I wanted the “bad boy” instead…go figure. I do know that there were no hard feelings involved or neither if us caused the other discomfort. We were simply dating back then and things kinds fizzled out. A mid 20’s moment…
We are now both in our 30’s and I know that I am most definitely in a different place than I was back then and it appears that he may be also. Truth be told, I like him. However, I am already creating all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t date him. Self sabotage! He’s good-looking in his own little quirky kinda way. Absolutely, no “bad boy” qualities screaming at me to run for the hills (or in my usual case get closer knowing it will leave me with a broken heart). We have awesome conversation that just flows from here to there and all the little things in between. He genuinely seems interested in my thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to him (I get that cheesy little grin when I think about him).  He’s an all around nice guy. So what the hell is my problem?
I’ve been single for so long and the thought of someone actually being a serious option without me somehow knowing that it will ultimately end sooner than later scares the hell out of me. I mean this guy is seriously husband material. Isn’t that what every woman wants? No no here is sit, nit-picking on little things that I’m trying to find that give me reasons to not even attempt to get any closer. Mind you this is only after a couple of weeks. Sigh… I should at least give it like a month right?
It’s this inner turmoil that I have going on. Admitting to myself that I am scared is a good thing, it kinda opens my eyes a little and allows me to really see that I’ve governed a lot of my last few encounters with men out of fear and the result of that I somewhat created just within my own mind and actions. I want true love, I really do. I’m certainly not getting any younger and I do realize that I can’t keep shooting down all the actual opportunities I get to find true love because sooner or later I will end up bitter and alone.
I’m going to try with all my might to just kinda go with the flow here and allow things to develop in their own time without over thinking, especially with all the negative inner chatter. I’m going to make a pact with myself to really open myself up, discard the armor  and let’s see where this goes.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Life Purpose…

Twice today I stopped in the middle of doing something and asked “why am I here, what is my life purpose?”  This isn’t the first time this has happened and I’m sure it won’t be the last until I am in the place that I am doing my life’s work.  I’m in a state of reflection, wondering, searching, questioning and such.  I have been here before more than once.  It usually happens when I feel…stuck in a rut. Not necessarily depressed, just stuck and unfulfilled with that nagging feeling that there is something more. 

I was blessed with my job close to two years ago.  I know in my heart that this job was a blessing given to me and is a gateway to allow me the flexibility I need to figure something else out. Prior to this I was finishing up my graduation/attendance of something I’ve always wanted to do, culinary school.  I have always had a passion for cooking and the opportunity to attend culinary school was such an amazing experience.  The only thing is I don’t see how it really ties into my life purpose. I don’t see myself entering the culinary field in any other way than on my terms.  I know in my heart that working in someone else’s kitchen is not what is going to bring me any type of fulfillment and realistically will end up having me dislike one of the things that I am so passionate about.  Sooooo what then?

I keep waiting for that Aha moment to come to me.  I have always felt that in someway I am meant to be a teacher not like a math or English type of teacher but more of a life teacher.  I just don’t really know how or where that is suppose to fit into my future. I am so far from where I thought I would be by now in my life.  You know what I mean right?  When you used to imagine what your life would be like when you were younger?  I would have been married by now in a beautiful house with a white picket fence and a couple of kids.  Well, I have the kids and I love them to death and could never imagine my life without them, but the husband and house never quite made it into the equation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok with that…I suppose. I mean I know my life purpose was not and is not to be a house wife (no disrespect to those that are). 

Life is a puzzle of a million different pieces and each experience I go through is yet another piece that fits to create the final puzzle.  My puzzle is no where close to being complete, there are still quite a few pieces left.  I just can’t seem to find any that fit right now.  In time right?

Just another day in the life of my thoughts….