Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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Possibilities…

I re-connected with someone a couple of weeks ago, an old flame…small flame, not full on fire back then. It got me to thinking that for some reason or another this seems to always happen to me, the re-connecting part with someone from my past. I’m wondering if it’s a pattern in my life for whatever reason. I’m sure I am completely over analyzing the situation as I tend to do but either way, I can’t help but to wonder. I suppose that isn’t really the point here.
I can’t even really remember what ended things before, I think if I remember correctly I decided I wanted the “bad boy” instead…go figure. I do know that there were no hard feelings involved or neither if us caused the other discomfort. We were simply dating back then and things kinds fizzled out. A mid 20’s moment…
We are now both in our 30’s and I know that I am most definitely in a different place than I was back then and it appears that he may be also. Truth be told, I like him. However, I am already creating all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t date him. Self sabotage! He’s good-looking in his own little quirky kinda way. Absolutely, no “bad boy” qualities screaming at me to run for the hills (or in my usual case get closer knowing it will leave me with a broken heart). We have awesome conversation that just flows from here to there and all the little things in between. He genuinely seems interested in my thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to him (I get that cheesy little grin when I think about him).  He’s an all around nice guy. So what the hell is my problem?
I’ve been single for so long and the thought of someone actually being a serious option without me somehow knowing that it will ultimately end sooner than later scares the hell out of me. I mean this guy is seriously husband material. Isn’t that what every woman wants? No no here is sit, nit-picking on little things that I’m trying to find that give me reasons to not even attempt to get any closer. Mind you this is only after a couple of weeks. Sigh… I should at least give it like a month right?
It’s this inner turmoil that I have going on. Admitting to myself that I am scared is a good thing, it kinda opens my eyes a little and allows me to really see that I’ve governed a lot of my last few encounters with men out of fear and the result of that I somewhat created just within my own mind and actions. I want true love, I really do. I’m certainly not getting any younger and I do realize that I can’t keep shooting down all the actual opportunities I get to find true love because sooner or later I will end up bitter and alone.
I’m going to try with all my might to just kinda go with the flow here and allow things to develop in their own time without over thinking, especially with all the negative inner chatter. I’m going to make a pact with myself to really open myself up, discard the armor  and let’s see where this goes.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Him…..

I’m sitting here at my desk just as I do every Monday through Friday.  It’s just me in my office so there are days that get much more boring than others, especially when I don’t have tons to get done…. Kinda like today.  It’s these kind of days that my mind races from topic to topic and back again.

So I find myself wondering about “him”.  I have actually done really well about not obsessing or over obsessing, I should say, with thoughts of him.  At this point it is pretty much a done deal.  The last encounter…well text…was my way of gaining some type of closure.  I hate that I am that girl.  You know, the one that needs closure.  Thing is it at least helps sometimes to get that, otherwise no matter how hard I try I will over think the situation.

I keep replaying different moments in time that I had with him searching for signs that I should have walked away much more sooner,  aside from the obvious reason anyway.  I always saw myself as much stronger than being “this woman” or actually “that woman” (past tense).  Why is it that people enter our lives that really don’t belong yet the connection is so strong between the two that you couldn’t possibly imagine your life without them?  What is that?  I mean seriously, is my heart meant to be in this constant broken state?  I did it to myself, I truly knew better and just didn’t do better.

A part of me wishes I will hear from him again while the other part hopes to never lay eyes on him again.  It’s so crazy how life events can mold a situation to either be in your favor or just the complete opposite.  It’s like we were seriously only meant to be a part of each others lives long enough to feel something strong/powerful, quite possibly a test for me, for him, or for us both.  Then BAM…that’s it.  We would normally be in a position to still have to be in each others presence because of our mutual friendships but just as things were falling apart for “us” they were also falling apart for his inner circle of friends (looooong story) so now it’s no longer a given that at some point in time I will see him again.  Now it would most definitely have to be an effort on my part or his.  I won’t go there.  No, now it is me working on understanding why.  Why I became so weak.   Why I allowed him into my life knowing it was NOT alright.  Why I stayed and kept staying and kept waiting and kept wanting and kept believing, when there was nothing solid enough for me to believe in at all.

Then I will open myself yet again to the possibility of love.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts……