Gosh it’s been awhile…a long while. I’ve logged in and logged off again numerous times not knowing what to write about. Not really knowing how to put my thought into words. feeling vulnerable and open and afraid to express the thoughts going through my mind. I could say I still feel that way now, right at this very moment, but I also feel the need to release.
I’ve been putting in so much work over the last several months. Inner work…just when I feel like aha…I feel damn good, I feel like I’m making progress, I feel like I’m truly in the moment here, recognizing parts of myself that I haven’t seen before. I’m still reminded that there is so much more work to do and I can’t necessarily say that I am discouraged, that wouldn’t be the right word, I would say that I just want to be “there” already. Wherever “there” is.
I still feel like I am doing things to completely sabotage my own happiness. Entering into situations that I know are no good for me and somehow I manage to convince myself that I have the power to make them different than what they really are. It’s like I am challenging myself to dare myself to defeat myself. Does that make any sense at all? I have become very aware in the moments that I am simply being and at times it can be overwhelming because I can also feel that the energy surrounding me is being felt by others. I think I’ve always been afraid of that, loosing the bubble that protects me from others seeing my light. That’s when I begin to also feel the negative energy from those around me in my immediate circle that aren’t really feeling this part of me, it hurts to feel that. It hurts to know that those people who claim to support me and love me are limited to supporting and loving me as long as I remain dim. My circle is already pretty small so to feel like I’ve chosen people that I thought were for me that are really waiting in the winds to see my next downfall, really kinda sucks!
So the question I ask myself…is that what I’ve been doing all along? Allowing myself to stay dimly lit for the sake of everyone else?
I’m gonna need to marinate on that one for a bit…
Till next time, just another day in the life of my thoughts…
Have you ever gone through a situation in your life that had such a negative impact that you wanted someone else to be able to experience it too? NOT for the purpose of them having to endure the negative experience, but simply for them to be able to better understand the what and why of how you chose to deal with the issue. The thing is…no one and I mean no one can ever fit inside your shoes and walk the same path as you. My life story and your life story are not and never will be one in the same. People may be able to relate to certain situations but each and everyone is unique in the way that they process their personal life experiences which is why we should try as hard as we can to not intentionally hurt those who surround us. It is inevitable that because we each process things differently that hurt feelings will occur but there is a difference in deliberately hurting someone vs. speaking your truth and having that hurt someone. Never apologize for speaking your truth as long as in your heart you know that it was never meant to intentionally hurt another. On the other hand, if you are a person who intentionally does spiteful things in order to hurt another person then shame on you and may God have mercy on your soul!
There truly is nothing more heart breaking than a person who finds some type of enjoyment at the expense of another human being. Isn’t life hard enough? This shit is quite twisted if you ask me and said person should seek professional help immediately! I mean let’s be real here…I think there is a certain level of spitefulness in everyone, especially when triggered by hurt feelings but at some point on the in between there has to be a light bulb that goes off reminding us that two wrongs don’t make a right and when that happens then we make amends for our part in any wrongdoing.
The point I am trying to make here is that there are those people who will continually do things out of spite over and over again as if it is completely natural and completely justified. What part of their brain isn’t functioning? I’m over it and I’m over the emotional roller coaster involved with dealing with such people. The hard part is when these types of people are your immediate family members but hear me when I say that no one has the right to treat you with the utmost disrespect in order for them to somehow feel better about themselves, not matter who they are. Cute em loose and feel proud for doing so!
Just another day in the life of my thoughts….