Gosh it’s been awhile…a long while. I’ve logged in and logged off again numerous times not knowing what to write about. Not really knowing how to put my thought into words. feeling vulnerable and open and afraid to express the thoughts going through my mind. I could say I still feel that way now, right at this very moment, but I also feel the need to release.
I’ve been putting in so much work over the last several months. Inner work…just when I feel like aha…I feel damn good, I feel like I’m making progress, I feel like I’m truly in the moment here, recognizing parts of myself that I haven’t seen before. I’m still reminded that there is so much more work to do and I can’t necessarily say that I am discouraged, that wouldn’t be the right word, I would say that I just want to be “there” already. Wherever “there” is.
I still feel like I am doing things to completely sabotage my own happiness. Entering into situations that I know are no good for me and somehow I manage to convince myself that I have the power to make them different than what they really are. It’s like I am challenging myself to dare myself to defeat myself. Does that make any sense at all? I have become very aware in the moments that I am simply being and at times it can be overwhelming because I can also feel that the energy surrounding me is being felt by others. I think I’ve always been afraid of that, loosing the bubble that protects me from others seeing my light. That’s when I begin to also feel the negative energy from those around me in my immediate circle that aren’t really feeling this part of me, it hurts to feel that. It hurts to know that those people who claim to support me and love me are limited to supporting and loving me as long as I remain dim. My circle is already pretty small so to feel like I’ve chosen people that I thought were for me that are really waiting in the winds to see my next downfall, really kinda sucks!
So the question I ask myself…is that what I’ve been doing all along? Allowing myself to stay dimly lit for the sake of everyone else?
I’m gonna need to marinate on that one for a bit…
Till next time, just another day in the life of my thoughts…
I woke up today and I just laid in thought for quite some time. My thoughts were racing back and forth but it all boiled down to feeling like I am living in this world of complete and utter silence. A world of not being heard, accepted, understood or better yet misunderstood. This was one of those mornings I wanted to stay tucked under my blanket with the shades drawn and be allowed to just wallow in my misery. Then I thought to myself “I am not a victim” I am not defined by what she thinks of me or anyone else who may disagree with the choices I have made. The only thing is that even though I made an attempt to not categorize myself into being a victim of circumstance, I still have this lingering feeling of being silenced yet again. I cannot tell you how many times throughout my life I have felt this way and quite frankly I am tired of it. I’ve been reading a book called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride, Ph. D and I must say this book has been very eye-opening to me. I have to admit though, that I think I am still in denial about accepting that my mother is a narcissist. It’s not easy to accept and I keep finding myself somehow in the back of my mind telling myself that what is happening is my fault in someway, if I only had done this or that differently or I should be thankful that I am able to help my mother in her time of need and not be so selfish with wanting my own space back. I should be more sympathetic to her situation…blah blah blah. But when I look at this list of traits of a narcissistic mother, it brings to light so many of the feelings that I had growing up as well as feelings I still have today.
- When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
- When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
- Does your mother act jealous of you?
- Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
- Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?”
- Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
- Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
- Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
- When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
- Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
- Does your mother deny her own feelings?
- Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
- Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
- Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
- Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
- Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
- Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
- Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
- Are you shamed often by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
- Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
- Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
- Does your mother appear phony to you?
- Does your mother want to control your choices?
- Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
- Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
- Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
- Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
- Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
- Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
- Does your mother compete with you?
- Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Then I read things like this and realized it is spot on with what I am dealing with right now:
Lack of Effective Communication:
The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is through triangulation. This is where information is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Information is not direct. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don’t confront the individuals directly. Alas, causing the creation of passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust among family members. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.
It’s challenging for me to accept what I am learning to be true in regards to my mother, instead of falling back into the same patterns of what I have been used to my whole life. Internalizing and finding blame within myself for the relationship, or lack there of when it comes to her has always been my way of dealing.
For those of you that have been following my blog and have seen previous posts that I have written in regards to my mother you will have a better sense of where I am coming from now. It is going on 4 months since her and I have spoken to each other while living under the same roof because I dared speak my voice and express my needs. Her way of attempting to communicate has been through other people within my family such as my sister and even my own daughter or she has begun to suddenly post little bits and pieces on social media, although I blocked my ability to see any of her posts. This blog is my outlet even though I don’t post as much as I could (still learning that it is ok to express my feelings even through writing and not feel ashamed) it helps me to clear my mind when it gets overly cluttered with nonsense. In addition I have a pretty awesome therapist! It’s no lie that this is indeed a lifetime of work that I have ahead of me…
I re-connected with someone a couple of weeks ago, an old flame…small flame, not full on fire back then. It got me to thinking that for some reason or another this seems to always happen to me, the re-connecting part with someone from my past. I’m wondering if it’s a pattern in my life for whatever reason. I’m sure I am completely over analyzing the situation as I tend to do but either way, I can’t help but to wonder. I suppose that isn’t really the point here.
I can’t even really remember what ended things before, I think if I remember correctly I decided I wanted the “bad boy” instead…go figure. I do know that there were no hard feelings involved or neither if us caused the other discomfort. We were simply dating back then and things kinds fizzled out. A mid 20’s moment…
We are now both in our 30’s and I know that I am most definitely in a different place than I was back then and it appears that he may be also. Truth be told, I like him. However, I am already creating all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t date him. Self sabotage! He’s good-looking in his own little quirky kinda way. Absolutely, no “bad boy” qualities screaming at me to run for the hills (or in my usual case get closer knowing it will leave me with a broken heart). We have awesome conversation that just flows from here to there and all the little things in between. He genuinely seems interested in my thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to him (I get that cheesy little grin when I think about him). He’s an all around nice guy. So what the hell is my problem?
I’ve been single for so long and the thought of someone actually being a serious option without me somehow knowing that it will ultimately end sooner than later scares the hell out of me. I mean this guy is seriously husband material. Isn’t that what every woman wants? No no here is sit, nit-picking on little things that I’m trying to find that give me reasons to not even attempt to get any closer. Mind you this is only after a couple of weeks. Sigh… I should at least give it like a month right?
It’s this inner turmoil that I have going on. Admitting to myself that I am scared is a good thing, it kinda opens my eyes a little and allows me to really see that I’ve governed a lot of my last few encounters with men out of fear and the result of that I somewhat created just within my own mind and actions. I want true love, I really do. I’m certainly not getting any younger and I do realize that I can’t keep shooting down all the actual opportunities I get to find true love because sooner or later I will end up bitter and alone.
I’m going to try with all my might to just kinda go with the flow here and allow things to develop in their own time without over thinking, especially with all the negative inner chatter. I’m going to make a pact with myself to really open myself up, discard the armor and let’s see where this goes.
Just another day in the life of my thoughts…