A Word On Spitefulness…

Have you ever gone through a situation in your life that had such a negative impact that you wanted someone else to be able to experience it too? NOT for the purpose of them having to endure the negative experience, but simply for them to be able to better understand the what and why of how you chose to deal with the issue. The thing is…no one and I mean no one can ever fit inside your shoes and walk the same path as you. My life story and your life story are not and never will be one in the same. People may be able to relate to certain situations but each and everyone is unique in the way that they process their personal life experiences which is why we should try as hard as we can to not intentionally hurt those who surround us. It is inevitable that because we each process things differently that hurt feelings will occur but there is a difference in deliberately hurting someone vs. speaking your truth and having that hurt someone. Never apologize for speaking your truth as long as in your heart you know that it was never meant to intentionally hurt another. On the other hand, if you are a person who intentionally does spiteful things in order to hurt another person then shame on you and may God have mercy on your soul!

There truly is nothing more heart breaking than a person who finds some type of enjoyment at the expense of another human being.  Isn’t life hard enough?  This shit is quite twisted if you ask me and said person should seek professional help immediately!  I mean let’s be real here…I think there is a certain level of spitefulness in everyone, especially when triggered by hurt feelings but at some point on the in between there has to be a light bulb that goes off reminding us that two wrongs don’t make a right and when that happens then we make amends for our part in any wrongdoing.

The point I am trying to make here is that there are those people who will continually do things out of spite over and over again as if it is completely natural and completely justified.  What part of their brain isn’t functioning?  I’m over it and I’m over the emotional roller coaster involved with dealing with such people.  The hard part is when these types of people are your immediate family members but hear me when I say that no one has the right to treat you with the utmost disrespect in order for them to somehow feel better about themselves, not matter who they are.  Cute em loose and feel proud for doing so!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts….

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Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Who Does That?

What kind of parent sees it fit to make their child (adult or otherwise) look like a demon amongst family members for simply expressing their feelings, needs, wants, and desires? Who does that??  What kind of parent talks negatively about one child to the other?  Who does that?? What kind of parent gets angry because their child wants to live their own life and decides to attempt to explain the feelings they are having and their need for space? What kind of parent decides what type of help is considered acceptable based on their own needs vs. that of their child? What kind of parent holds grudges against their child for speaking their mind? What kind of parent makes their child responsible for their well-being when they are fully capable of taking care of themselves? What kind of parent uses guilt, obligation, and manipulation to prove a point to their child? I mean seriously…WHO DOES THAT??

Living a life where you feel guilty about being open about your feelings to your mother is no way of life at all.  The one person in the world that you should be able to go to and express anything to without judgement let alone anger, frustration, fear, etc

. The one person in the world who should understand where you might be coming from  is instead the one person who causes you the most heartache and pain. Go figure…It’s a wonder I have made it this far.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

"Parenting"

“Parenting” (Photo credit: vanhookc)

Daily Prompt: Erasure

Daily Prompt: Erasure

by michelle w. on March 12, 2013

You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

Trials and tribulations…Lord knows I have had them, am going through some as I write, and will continue to go through them for the rest of my life.

I am a piece of clay that is constantly being molded and remolded with every situation I go through in my life.  There are days that I wish I had a different life.  Days that I wish I didn’t have to struggle the way that I do. Days that I wish I could shut down and close the doors on everyone and every situation in my life.  Even with all of that, I sit here pondering this question and I think to myself, what would I erase?  Truth is nothing. I have always said that even though I have been through so much in my life, I think that I have turned out pretty damn alright.  I am human and I have my days just like everyone else but overall I truly am a phenomenal woman who has endured and triumphed situations in my life that I’m not exactly sure that others would have made it thus far.  The saying goes “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  I am still alive and breathing and although I can truly say I have had moments in my life that I did not think I could go on another day dealing with certain issues…I did. I survived and lived to tell the story. 

Even now I am going through some things in my life that I wish I wasn’t, but no matter what, I know that one day I will look back on these days and realize the strength that I was able to maintain and that is what will make all the difference in the world.  Life experiences build character, they make us who we are from the moment we are capable of making our own decisions. Choices that we make lead to outcomes and even the not so great choices ultimately teach us more about ourselves.

I could easily say I would erase self doubt, self defeating thoughts and behaviors,  etc. etc. Truthfully there are more times that one that I have felt this way so erasing one event wouldn’t change the fact that there were more events that held similar experiences to follow.  Something I have always remembered that someone once said to me is that “life events repeat themselves until they are learned.” The truth in that statement is remarkably true to many events in my life.  There are lessons to be learned in every phase of life and if by chance you didn’t get it the first time, second time, or even the third.  Rest assured that if it is something that you are meant to grasp, you will indeed cross paths with that lesson as many times as it takes to “get it”.

So with all that said, I say LIVE life, take it all in. The good, the bad, the ugly…own it, truly feel it, and at the finish line stand fast in the knowledge that you ROCKED THAT SHIT!!

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

The Four Agreements…

My yoga instructor shared this in class today. Ironically I’ve had this book by Don Miguel Ruiz on my bookshelf for years and haven’t read it. Now is as good a time as any.  I have truly been in life reflection mode this month…this new year of 2013.   
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
 
Powerful words to live by!

Silence…No Longer Serving a Purpose…In MY Life…

Growing up I learned the fine art of silence.

Suppressing my feeling because children didn’t have those, or at least they weren’t relevant. I became really good at it but in turn I also internalized many of the feelings I did feel throughout my childhood. I pushed them so far down and so deep that they became my defense mechanism. It was my way of “not feeling” or so I thought. The problem with doing that is that my feelings never really went away they were just tucked in a different place, in order to present themselves later in my life.
So here I find myself filled with this overwhelming feeling of resentment and anger that I don’t know how to deal with. I am fully aware that a person is a product of their environment for only as long as they claim it. Once grown up, we’re suppose to be able to choose our own path and create our own truths.
So why do I still feel like I am confined to suppressing my feelings? Why do I still feel like I am that child all those years ago that was never allowed to truly express what was in her heart? Why do I still feel that need for approval? Why do I allow myself to not speak MY truth? Ultimately the decision is up to me right? Sometimes you have to speak your truth even if it ends up hurting the other person…right? That is all a part of entering into adulthood…right? Yet….I don’t, Yet…I still fear…Yet I still worry about what others around me (family) will think…yet I remain unhappy within the confinements of my own home. Yet I still cry a silent cry, Yet I still don’t express what I need, Yet…………

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

For the record, I DON’T ever want my children to feel this way!

Heavy Heart…

My heart has been extremely heavy over the last few weeks…

My mind on complete overload…

All the while I have tried to counter balance the heaviness with positive thoughts and the motto “it could always be worse”.  Truth is I’m tired.  Tired of being tired and tired of always at some point in time returning to this place.  I don’t even know the exact reason why I’m feeling so down.  What comes to mind is loneliness.  It could be the upcoming holidays, in fact I am pretty sure that has a huge part to play.  I thought the holidays were suppose to bring happiness and cheer.  I’ve been stressed about money (nothing new) I’ve had to continue to remind myself that no matter what, things always work out.  I always manage to pull it together and at the end of the day I know that I have so much more than some others who struggle much more that I do.  I’m just tired.  Tired of always having to do it alone.  Tired of not having someone in my life to share it all with. 

I wonder sometimes do I even know how to do that?  Share my life with someone…

It has been so long and I am so set in my ways of doing things.  I also wonder sometimes if I’m just not meant to be with anyone.  Maybe I’m one of those people who is meant to stay single.  Then I think, that can’t possibly be.  I have so much love in my heart.  My choices in men have not really been my strong suit.  Sad but true.  I tend to feel “connections” with men that for whatever reason, seem to be in some way or fashion unavailable.  

I wasn’t intending to make this post about my relationship status.  Loneliness can really suck! 

What I know in my heart is that I’ve got to snap out of this funk.  I have a few thoughts in my mind on possible hobbies I can pick up during this time, in the hopes that it will give me some kind of a release on the negativity.  Now I just need to gain the strength to put them in action.  Crazy thing is I’m tired of that part too.  Tired of having to pull myself up.  I’m sure that sounds terrible but it’s true.  Why do I even have to be in a place to feel compelled to pick myself up?  This place is so familiar to me that it bothers me.  I find myself thinking, here we go again.  Will this place ever not be a part of my life?  Coping with it has gotten easier over the years so for that I am extremely thankful.  

So in the meantime I will just continue to try to remember my positive thoughts in the midst of the negative and know that this too shall pass…

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…