Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…


so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.



Crap I’ve started obsessing AGAIN.

How many times can I possibly rewind events in my mind? 

My day was great and super busy.  Worked and ran errands for my Halloween party that I was throwing for a bunch of the kids that live in my property.  Turn out was great, had about 25 kids show up to carve pumpkins, eat pizza and watch a movie.  Reminded myself why I have such a huge respect for teachers and daycare providers!  Thought about going over to a friend’s “adult” Halloween party after but was so burnt out I instead hopped in the shower washed my day away and decided to just relax.

That’s when it started…Well that’s a lie, it did start earlier but the fact that I was busy made it easier to push to the side.  Thoughts if “him” kept creeping into my mind.  This is seriously ridiculous!  I actually went as far as to pull out my damn runes, seriously??     

I went far back tonight with the memories.  You know the really good ones from the beginning giddy state.  Smiling like a damn fool then sad all in the same breath.  Wishing he would call or text then reminding myself the truth of the situation.  Didn’t help that I watched a show on tv that spoke about similar circumstances that had a positive outcome.  TV is the devil I tell you!!

So now here I sit….releasing…IT’S OVER…let it go…let him go. PERIOD WOOOOSAAAAW…that is all.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…