Gosh it’s been awhile…a long while. I’ve logged in and logged off again numerous times not knowing what to write about. Not really knowing how to put my thought into words. feeling vulnerable and open and afraid to express the thoughts going through my mind. I could say I still feel that way now, right at this very moment, but I also feel the need to release.
I’ve been putting in so much work over the last several months. Inner work…just when I feel like aha…I feel damn good, I feel like I’m making progress, I feel like I’m truly in the moment here, recognizing parts of myself that I haven’t seen before. I’m still reminded that there is so much more work to do and I can’t necessarily say that I am discouraged, that wouldn’t be the right word, I would say that I just want to be “there” already. Wherever “there” is.
I still feel like I am doing things to completely sabotage my own happiness. Entering into situations that I know are no good for me and somehow I manage to convince myself that I have the power to make them different than what they really are. It’s like I am challenging myself to dare myself to defeat myself. Does that make any sense at all? I have become very aware in the moments that I am simply being and at times it can be overwhelming because I can also feel that the energy surrounding me is being felt by others. I think I’ve always been afraid of that, loosing the bubble that protects me from others seeing my light. That’s when I begin to also feel the negative energy from those around me in my immediate circle that aren’t really feeling this part of me, it hurts to feel that. It hurts to know that those people who claim to support me and love me are limited to supporting and loving me as long as I remain dim. My circle is already pretty small so to feel like I’ve chosen people that I thought were for me that are really waiting in the winds to see my next downfall, really kinda sucks!
So the question I ask myself…is that what I’ve been doing all along? Allowing myself to stay dimly lit for the sake of everyone else?
I’m gonna need to marinate on that one for a bit…
Till next time, just another day in the life of my thoughts…
A Day in the Life of my Thoughts 