Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Who Does That?

What kind of parent sees it fit to make their child (adult or otherwise) look like a demon amongst family members for simply expressing their feelings, needs, wants, and desires? Who does that??  What kind of parent talks negatively about one child to the other?  Who does that?? What kind of parent gets angry because their child wants to live their own life and decides to attempt to explain the feelings they are having and their need for space? What kind of parent decides what type of help is considered acceptable based on their own needs vs. that of their child? What kind of parent holds grudges against their child for speaking their mind? What kind of parent makes their child responsible for their well-being when they are fully capable of taking care of themselves? What kind of parent uses guilt, obligation, and manipulation to prove a point to their child? I mean seriously…WHO DOES THAT??

Living a life where you feel guilty about being open about your feelings to your mother is no way of life at all.  The one person in the world that you should be able to go to and express anything to without judgement let alone anger, frustration, fear, etc

. The one person in the world who should understand where you might be coming from  is instead the one person who causes you the most heartache and pain. Go figure…It’s a wonder I have made it this far.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

“Parenting” (Photo credit: vanhookc)