Lord Grant Me The Serenity…

I took a u-turn and traveled backwards smack dab at the doorsteps to….love, lust,longing,  insecurities, fear, frustration, but most of all familiarity.

I couldn’t help myself, or so I have whispered in my own ear.

I was so strong for so long refusing to allow myself to even look back in that direction knowing that if I did I would find myself…here.

I missed him…

immensely…

so much so that my fingers somehow had a mind of their own and I found them dialing the numbers that I somewhat convinced myself I wouldn’t remember if I deleted them.  I did remember and deep down I knew in my heart that he would pick up and as sure as I felt it…he did.

That voice…

melted my heart just as if all this time hadn’t passed without hearing it.

That laugh…

allowed my heart to skip a beat and grin from ear to ear.

How is it that one person can have this much of an effect on another even after so much time has passed?

We met up late in the wee hours of the morning…

The connection just the same, no awkwardness.

We talked and remained mostly above the surface with a few moments of digging a bit deeper.

He pulled me close and held me as he once did so tightly…silence…but comfort all the same.

This was the furthest I would allow the moment to go because I knew if I went too far I would be lost again forever.

I didn’t want to leave but I chose me first this time…

Yet, left behind is the lingering want for more…

So now I return to the 12 steps and repeat silently to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Possibilities…

I re-connected with someone a couple of weeks ago, an old flame…small flame, not full on fire back then. It got me to thinking that for some reason or another this seems to always happen to me, the re-connecting part with someone from my past. I’m wondering if it’s a pattern in my life for whatever reason. I’m sure I am completely over analyzing the situation as I tend to do but either way, I can’t help but to wonder. I suppose that isn’t really the point here.
I can’t even really remember what ended things before, I think if I remember correctly I decided I wanted the “bad boy” instead…go figure. I do know that there were no hard feelings involved or neither if us caused the other discomfort. We were simply dating back then and things kinds fizzled out. A mid 20’s moment…
We are now both in our 30’s and I know that I am most definitely in a different place than I was back then and it appears that he may be also. Truth be told, I like him. However, I am already creating all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t date him. Self sabotage! He’s good-looking in his own little quirky kinda way. Absolutely, no “bad boy” qualities screaming at me to run for the hills (or in my usual case get closer knowing it will leave me with a broken heart). We have awesome conversation that just flows from here to there and all the little things in between. He genuinely seems interested in my thoughts and feelings. I am attracted to him (I get that cheesy little grin when I think about him).  He’s an all around nice guy. So what the hell is my problem?
I’ve been single for so long and the thought of someone actually being a serious option without me somehow knowing that it will ultimately end sooner than later scares the hell out of me. I mean this guy is seriously husband material. Isn’t that what every woman wants? No no here is sit, nit-picking on little things that I’m trying to find that give me reasons to not even attempt to get any closer. Mind you this is only after a couple of weeks. Sigh… I should at least give it like a month right?
It’s this inner turmoil that I have going on. Admitting to myself that I am scared is a good thing, it kinda opens my eyes a little and allows me to really see that I’ve governed a lot of my last few encounters with men out of fear and the result of that I somewhat created just within my own mind and actions. I want true love, I really do. I’m certainly not getting any younger and I do realize that I can’t keep shooting down all the actual opportunities I get to find true love because sooner or later I will end up bitter and alone.
I’m going to try with all my might to just kinda go with the flow here and allow things to develop in their own time without over thinking, especially with all the negative inner chatter. I’m going to make a pact with myself to really open myself up, discard the armor  and let’s see where this goes.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…

Want something done? Do it yourself…

I grew up with the mentality that if you want something done then do it yourself.  Because of this, I have found it very difficult throughout my life to communicate my needs and wants to people.  Even those close to me (very few). 

Attempting to learn something new when you have always done things a certain way is really not easy.  I’ve often wondered if my failed relationships have been in part due to my way of thinking.  People let you down and in my case people have done that all my life.  I know it is inevitable because we are all human and I know that I probably have about ten fingers pointed in my direction also.  So what do I do?  I got to tell ya, there are some serious walls that I have built.  There are also many things that I have simply put in an internal box labeled DO NOT ENTER.  If I haven’t even begun to really dive into that box to discover what to keep and what to throw out, then how can I possibly think that someone else would be able to?

At what point in my life do I begin to heal?  Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong woman (maybe too strong at times) and I am the best at dishing out some really good…no great…advice.  It’s like I have the ability to somehow take my life experiences and apply them to other people’s lives and not my own.  Crazy I know!  I’ve been through some really rough shit. I’ve always come out of it but each time it has reiterated my initial thoughts of doing it yourself.  There really is no one that I lean on for support.  Sure I have friends and occasionally I will let them in, but it is a rare occasion…..there is no one that I truly confide in.

I’m kinda tired of that.  I really would like to have more trust in people.  I really would like to express my feelings to people without always assuming that my best interest is at stake.

Today was a really rough day….it’s been a long time since I have felt this lonely.  I am always alone even when I’m not “alone’.  This thing called life I tell ya!  I sometimes feel like I am much older than my years (35) but at the end of the day I am blessed, truly blessed.  I have two beautiful healthy girls, I have a home, a job, my own health…the list is endless.  It’s time to focus on a new way of thinking I suppose.  Easier said than done but not impossible.

Just another day in the life of my thoughts…..